Ok so on the left is this mornings test… on the right the one I just took, and bloody timed, so I wouldnt have any worries about it being incorrect….
One line might be faint…..
BUT…. it’s not just me is it…??
Thats two pink lines….
OMG…. am I actually pregnant? I think I’m in shock!
11DPO….
If women who are trying to get pregnant aren’t tortured enough, there is something so heinous, so vile, that I wouldn’t wish it upon my enemy…
Evaporation lines.
Basterds.
They are these little second lines that appear after you have taken the test. Except they aren’t bright pink.
If your anything like me, you pee on a stick, don’t get an instant result and throw it away after less than a minute skulking back to bed. Then when you wake up 40 minutes later you rush back downstairs, take out the discarded pregnancy test, and have another look… just to see… even though you know your not supposed to look after 10 minutes.
Evaporation lines, give you hope. They play with your mind and make you think theres a shred of hope. Evaporation lines are grey and not pink. And are just left over from the test, it doesn’t mean your pregnant.
F*** you google. Ruined my day. I hate you. I want to cry but I don’t… so I won’t. On the inside, I am crushed. GUTTED, broken.
I’ve attached my evaporation lines… taken from three different angles!!
I think its grey. My wife thinks it’s pink.
Because I am that crazy, I took two normal photos, and then decided to take a macro shot… a shot like a microscope… you get WAY close to it… When you do that the line looks grey… no baby…
You decide…
Edited 23rd Nov 2015 – I decided to come back and edit this post because it still gets a lot of hits. For any woman coming to read this post now, I want to you know there is hope… That evaporation line turned out to be pink and the earliest positive pregnancy test possible! I was pregnant, I carried to term, and now I have a beautiful boy. Keep going. You will fall pregnant. ❤
So I am an idiot,
I took a test yesterday (9 days post ovulation) thats far too early right? well, I took it and it was negative 😦
I am now 10 days post ovulation, and I am going to try and wait until the day AF is due. She’s due Saturday. It’s only Wednesday…. I am guessing I shouldn’t test until at least Friday? maybe Saturday morning.
I am just disappointed. I thought because I only have 13 days between my ovulating and coming on that I would implant quicker and therefore show up as pregnant quicker. I guess thats not the case.
well, fuck science. I am going silently mad here.
If it does come out negative… what do I do?? keep trying?
ugh. I am going to be so disappointed.
I am trying to stay positive. But being positive means symptom spotting, and then me turning myself inside out mentally, and then feeling negative. This is a ridiculous insane vicious circle. I JUST WANT TO KNOW if it worked and if im pregnant 😦
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.
I have to apologise that firstly, this blog over the last few weeks seems to have become a dumping ground for the batshit crazy, irrational and overly depressed Sacha.
I don’t really have many other outlets to talk about how I feel, but more importantly whilst I love talking in general I hate talking about how I ‘feel’. I much prefer writing it down. I am a born writer, and it helps me to process my shameless, most private thoughts.
Today is bad. Really really bad. I meant to write a blog a couple of days ago about the aching silence between the first couple of days after IUI and the last couple when you can test before your period.
There was silence. It was horrendous.
My body stopped doing anything. There were no cramps, no signs, no symptoms. Silence is sometimes worst than hearing a cacophony of signs and opinions. It was just waiting. Unending, tortuous, mind numbingly slow waiting.
I am now 7dpIUI.
I am due on in 6 days.
Today was bad because I genuinely wanted to punch myself in the face. I am so fucking annoying. I (and by I, I mean my head/mind – my voice in my head which thinks and reasons) would not shut the fuck up.
I felt like I had a split personality, and all over a god damn pair of tits.
Usually by now my boobs would hurt. I thought, they hurt every month. Usually starts 8ish days before I come on and then stops a couple of days before I actually come on.
So I asked the wife this morning if she could remember if they always hurt, and she said no. Pretty bluntly too. I was like oh. Because I was so sure they hurt every month.
Anyway, point being, they don’t; I (irrespective of whether or not she can) can’t remember the last time they didn’t hurt before I came on.
Well, this sent me off on some insane thought process, some ridiculous symptom spotting madness all day. I could scream I am so pathetic.
All that happened this morning, was I woke up and my boobs DIDN’T hurt, and to be fair, I was bloated.
What kind of mad women spends an entire day twisting herself into knots over breasts that DON’T hurt for god sake?
Am I pregnant, am I not? Am I pregnant, am I not? Am I pregnant, am I not? Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?
That is literally what my head has been doing all day. I just want it to shut the fuck up. It’s made me angry, and I was already exhausted today without my head twisting me into a mess.
I am in pieces. Exhausted, desperate, and seemingly slightly nuts.
I found the pregnancy tests that the NHS use, some really cheap pee strips. That apparently are the most sensitive pregnancy tests on the market.
Traditional tests like Clear Blue and First Response, are good, but they measure up to 50mlu. Before your pregnant you have about 5mlu in you. So 50 is about the time your period is due. These NHS ones supposedly test to a sensitivity of 10mlu… thats basically as soon as the egg implants.
The tests arrived yesterday.
I am now away on business so I can’t use them anyway. I don’t really know whether or not I should test, or just wait to see if I come on.
I partly don’t think I can wait. But at the same time I am aware that an egg can take as long as 12 days to implant. but 12 days is the day before I am due on…
How would my body know not to come on?
Look there I go again, I just need to shut up!
I am exhausted, I really am. I nearly fell asleep in the middle of the day today. It can’t be good to do this to myself!!
I just need to keep telling myself it will be ok, whether I get a BFP or BFN… it will be ok.
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Noun
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Women’s intuition is a really funny thing. It reminds me a little of an old boys club.
Most, but not all women have exceedingly good intuition. It’s a frighteningly powerful tool we use to seek out ‘wrongs’ or ‘no good’ but sometimes to seek out things we must do, or prevent.
Women generally like to over analyse everything, I am the ultimate example of an over analyser. It’s painfully annoying I hate myself for it, but I simply can’t help it.
I regularly sit around with my friends debating this ‘hunch’ I have, or a feeling I got when so and so looked at Billy bob in a strange way, and now I’m convinced that such and such is happening.
These discussions are highly secretive! If Billy Bob or whoever it was they were looking at were to interrupt or pass by, then hushed silences would fall over us, or indiscrete hand gestures would be thrown around the conversation bringing us to a rather undiplomatic silence.
The thing is our intuition tends to grow with our friends. One of my friends and I in particular, have a strange ability to throw a single look at each other, make one teeny facial expression and convey an entire conversation in an instant.
In fact I might only need to utter a single word or even half a syllable, and she will be nodding enthusiastically saying “mmm hmm, I thought so too”
Not that we would want to admit it, but we women are harbouring ourselves and our intuition in old boys clubs.
My point about this, is, we do strange things. We instinctively know when something’s wrong, when someone’s cheated on us or stabbed us in the back.
I pick up my phone a millisecond before it rings knowing its a particular friend.
And then…. Then there’s the really weird intuition, the intuition about our body’s….
If we pay just a tiny amount of attention to our body we can know all sorts of weird things.
Two months running I knew exactly when I was about to ovulate. So I got up and tested myself and got a positive result…
This month in particular was such a strong sensation that I sat bolt upright and just “knew” even though it wasn’t when I ought to have tested.
Women know things. We do. And we use them to do special, amazing and impossible things.
I think that I knew, I must of. My body must of told me to take that fertility test all those months ago. Something deep down an intuition, an inkling – that despite all the dismissals from the wife and doctors saying I was wasting my money- that I needed to take that test to prove I needed to do something now.
Why else would I of gone against professional advice?
The thing that I love about these boys clubs is that all the women around you coo and cluck in agreement affirming your suspicions because they too ‘had a feeling’ or simply understand because they’ve been there before.
We have an ability to know when you meet someone for the first time if they are a good egg or a bad egg.
I can reel off numerous examples of meeting someone – take another one of my friends, she had this new girlfriend that I took an instant disliking to for no apparent reason. I mean, I met the poor girl for a couple of hours, and immediately hated her. I couldn’t tell my friend why, either. I just didn’t like her.
Turns out the bitch was a psycho, and because I’m a good friend I didn’t say ‘I told you so’ !
In fact, my instinct is so acutely sensitive one of the wife’s best mates asked me to go to dinner with his new girlfriend to suss out whether or not she was worth hanging on for.
Turns out I didn’t like her either, and as it happened, she was a bad egg too.
Sometimes, we just know.
What I am hoping, is that I will know if I’m pregnant before I can test in two weeks… After the insemination yesterday two weeks of waiting is a seriously long time. It’s going to kill me. I’m impatient at the best of times but waiting two weeks for something this important is literally torture.
Maybe I’m over analysing because I’m desperate for a ‘sign’ but seriously…
We know shit right?? Sometimes you can know?!
God I hope so because otherwise it’s going to be a fucking long two weeks!!
Sacha Black 