IUI up, IUI down

 

 

Ok, 3dpIUI (3 days post IUI).

What I have decided is that the above picture optimises, an hourly – daily, weekly cycle, that I, and I guess everyone else on fertility cycles are going through.

It’s shit.

I feel like I am genuinely mental.

I am unstable, irrational, and emotional.

Everything I hate.

I like being, stable, rational and emotionless. I pride myself on being those things.

I hate that it’s only our first cycle. I mean don’t exactly want to do more cycles, obviously cost, and emotional toll, I would prefer to get pregnant first time. But I know the chances are low, so I just wish it was our 3rd time already, as lots of websites say 3/4 IUI’s is about normal.

I don’t know what’s happened to me, for two days after the IUI I was on this huge high, and elated that we had done something.

But I have well and truly crashed off the IUI rollercoaster. I am very low again today.

Body Wise – I had a back ache, but think it was my kidneys rather than actual back, I think I was probably dehydrated or something. Felt a bit bloated too today. But considering I have IBS nothing I am paying attention to. I am still slightly aware of my womb, less so than yesterday. Virtually no cramping any more.

Kind of sad really, at least when I was cramping I at least felt like something was happening, even if it wasn’t making a baby it was us having taken some action.

I am still unsure of when exactly to test. But I think if I am due to come on, on the 27th, then realistically I should be able to test on the 26th. Even if the clinic said wait 16 days, and thats only 12/13.

In which case T-9 days till test 1.

 

 

Hope for a New Day?

 

Humans have this kind of innate default position for hope. It’s in built, whatever happens to us, and whatever were put through we always default back to hope; even in severe, terrible situations, you find humans resolute in their hope.

I guess tomorrow represents my hope.

I have been peeing on sticks and testing to see if i’m ovulating since Saturday. I was almost ready to give up hope, and thought I wasn’t going to ovulate but as if fate itself was playing tricks on me, I took at test at lunch today and I got a positive!

So I took the rest of the day off work, and booked flights, car parking, and got some money changed up.

Tomorrow, we are flying to Denmark for the day, to try our first cycle of IUI. If anyone out there is reading this send me positive, sticky, pregnant like vibes.

We don’t really know what the stats/chances are of success, the usual is only about 16%. This clinic says my chances are 25% because I am young. I am not sure they are really taking into consideration my AMH level, and hormones and stuff. But I guess they are professionals and know what they are talking about.

We will see.

Either way, at 2pm tomorrow (Denmark time) I will be going through my first cycle of IUI. Part of me really thinks it won’t work. But theres this other part of me that is hoping beyond all hope that it does, otherwise, it’s yet another chance gone… and I don’t have many chances left.

I am terrified it will work, and terrified it won’t. Either way the consequences are serious, and life changing.

I will update soon… I imagine the two week wait is going to be tortuous.

Today has been a bit up and down too! I was full of excitement and nerves, but then I walked past Next (and the baby section) so decided to walk in and see how it felt, well I took one look at the baby grows and nearly threw up in my mouth! and ran out. It’s not real yet! It’s too scary and I don’t want to jinx myself!

Anyway, whoever reads this… think of me tomorrow. 🙂

Depression. Muses. Life.

I am feeling worse than ever. I saw the above picture today, and I just cried. For me it’s such an inspirational picture. It takes me back to when I was travelling. Reminds me of the breath taking Himalayan mountains I trekked through. The peace I found when I was there. I want nothing more right now than to run away and climb into a big dark hole, hiding away from the world forever.

I want to be that girl in the photo. I should be that girl in the photo. All I ever wanted to do was go to uni and go travelling. Bum around the world for a while, sucking life experiences in and just ‘being’. No responsibilities, no plans, no cares. Coming from someone so anal, and organised I surprised myself at how much I enjoyed travelling. But I really did find a kind of peace when I was away. A kind of silence. Like the silence late at night when it’s snowed or is snowing. When it’s 1am, and nothing moves not even the air… Travelling was my muse, it inspired me, it humbled me and it gave me peace.

I am a shell, a living breathing carcass right now.

The last year has crushed me.

I don’t think I even know who I am anymore.

The stress of my family during the wedding, the job that has sucked every ounce of individuality out of me and forced a monotonous drone of boring beige routine into my life, and worst into me…. but worst of all the fertility issue.

I have been in and out of depression enough over the last 18 months because of ‘life’ but right now… it truly has to be the worst place I have been in…

I just cant cope.

My senior manager told me the other day that he couldn’t believe how well I was coping. He said no one would notice that something so horrific was happening to me. He said that I was really strong, and he was very impressed with my resilience.

It’s a facade. I am a fake. A plastic temporary smile, that I wear for 8 hours a day that drains every last ounce of anything I have in me.

He shouldn’t be impressed. He might think I am still brilliant, I am coasting through the days just to keep myself going. I am on autopilot… again.

I just didn’t picture my life like this, when I think back, this picture, that girl… that’s who I was going to be. I think that’s why the photo has struck such a deep resonance with me.

I have started testing my ovulation again today… when I ovulate this week, we will be flying to Denmark to try insemination.

The wife is so positive that it scares me. I already feel like a failure, my body… my ovaries are inadequate and I don’t want to disappoint her if the insemination doesn’t work. It only has a 25% chance of working at the best of times, let alone with my problems. I am also worried because I have been trying to be really healthy, but I seem to have got a cold this week… that is not going to help me get pregnant… more worries.

Then the thought of actually getting pregnant is also terrifying. All the life changes, I am still trying to get my head around it all, giving up everything I thought I was going to have, that was who I was going to be in my 30’s… not in my mid twenties. The next 5 years were meant to be fun before we tried to have a family…. I just can’t get my head around it. I just can’t. Why hasn’t someone told me it’s all a big mistake yet? WHY?????

I just…

I am in a very dark, very strange, very lonely place right now. Words are failing me, I just can’t explain where my head is. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to see anyone, I don’t want to do anything. I can feel myself locking down, and shutting the world out and theres nothing I can do about it. I can’t muster enough ‘me’ to talk about how I feel. I don’t fucking know how I feel. That’s probably the problem. I don’t have words. The complexity of emotions I am feeling right now is indescribable.

I feel bad because I know I should be communicating, but I just don’t want to talk, about anything to anyone. I don’t want to have to justify myself, and I don’t want to explain my feelings. I just want to be quiet and for it all to go away. I want to wake up in the morning and be that girl in the photo…

But I won’t.

I am going to wake up… still be Sacha, still be depressed, still have a job I hate, and still have fertility issues.

F is for…

I am stewing in a pot of frustration and ‘feeling sorry for myself’.

I am frustrated with the wait. NHS appointment isn’t until the 26th Feb, when we find out if we are eligible for funding, but I am pretty sure we won’t be.

I ovulate before then… so I would lose another chance to get pregnant by waiting for the appointment. But  if we go and I am pregnant then i will get spat out the system and not get the funding anyway. What happens if i miscarry or something awful?

So I have to decide do I take the risk and go to Denmark or do I wait and then be pissed off if the NHS wont treat me?

If I go to Denmark then its going to cost. Like 600 quid cost.

I am already in debt cause of the wedding, which I am trying to pay back but it just seems to keep piling on. Plus we will have to move at some point, as we live in a 1 bed, and we cant do that with a baby. (I know theres plenty of time to move, i’m just saying I need to factor it in.)

Moving requires a 1500 quid deposit.

Plus, my car broke last night. Fuel pump. That’s another 250-300 I don’t have that I need to shell out for.

I honestly don’t know why I am being dealt so much shit. This has to be the single worst start to a year I have ever had.

I’ve put weight on ( I know that’s my fault – but seems to be a vicious cycle at the moment)

and, I am falling behind on my studies, because I am constantly trying to fire fight.

I really need to be given a break.

I can feel the weight of everything pushing me down… somewhere dark. My head is falling back into it’s safetynet of depression.

I feel like a failure.