Conniption- My Secret Inner Hulk


Noun: A fit of rage or hysterics


I am literally the poster child for conniption, and angry lesbian!

As my dear friend likes to tell me on a regular basis.

I tend not to ‘do’ many emotions other than extremely angry or extremely happy.

This causes problems.

Mostly for other people, but occasionally for myself.

Particularly when people can’t handle me, and they make me feel like I need to moderate myself on their behalf. We don’t tend to stay acquainted for long.

Working in the public sector being a conniption is a massive problem.

People are often unsure how to take me, I am admittedly slightly unstable, (in a conniptiony type way- not mentally!) and they are never sure if I will react to something with a fit of rage, or a fit of hysterical laughter.

When someone has something important, or controversial to tell me I can see their unconscious wincing before they open their mouth… and then they brace themselves for whatever reaction they might get.

If I had more of a heart I’d feel bad about it. But I shan’t apologise for who I am, and if I missed a few emotional DNA strands along the whole birthing process well that ain’t really my fault is it?!

Thing is, usually I respond with red rage. This is normally a burst of momentary rage.

I would speak loudly.

(This is most important. I find it highly irritating that people always tell me that I shout at them.

I don’t

I am loud ALL THE TIME! Just because your little ears can’t handle any noise above a whisper, does not mean I am shouting)

I might spew some profanities at whomever had irritated me this time. This adds to their perception of me shouting.

I am not shouting. I am talking loudly, and….passionately.

And thats another thing. Why do people always take my passion for aggression?

I am loud, and passionate, therefore I MUST be aggressive?

AND WHY, why do they try to make out like its a bad thing, and make you feel bad for it?

Well I don’t, I am entirely proud of me, and won’t be made to feel bad about it.

Generally after an outburst of my inner hulk If you give me five minutes, I am over it.

They usually aren’t… for quite some time.

I don’t get this.

If people stopped getting offended all the time, we would all get on a lot better. People say offensive things to me all the time, you don’t see me crying over it.

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” “sticks and stones”

For example, my manager recently told me:

” You really need to be a little bit less Sacha. Your personality is a risk to your reputation.”

I instantly felt my inner hulk smashing at my skin to get out.

Inner Hulk

I managed to contain my inner hulk.


However I did have several mental senarios run through my head – mostly of jumping across the desk and savagely punching him in the face, knocking a few teeth out and wiping the satisfied smirk smile off of their face.

I did none of them and contained myself, with great mental sacrifice.

After an hour long lecture from my manager about how I need to moderate myself, and how bad my personality is blah blah blah… As I left the scene of crime, my manager had the cheek to tell me not to get road rage on the way home.


Explicit Vagueness

Now, I have only been a public sector worker for a mere 10/11 months. However, I have seen some truly bizarre ongoings in my short time.

But today, my manager has truly out done themselves.

I am blunt.

I do not sugar coat, and I dislike detest people who beat around the bush.

I can’t be dealing with vague ramblings (as we know), mutterings, utterings, waffle, drivel, small talk, or any other nonsense that comes out of peoples mouth. If you have something to say, say it.

Now I have had some seriously vague rambly type instructions from all the managers I’ve had so far, but today has beaten them all.

I was asked to write an article for some publication or other. Given a set of bullet points of what to include.

Simple, yes?


Why is it public sector managers insist on correcting everything you do?

It is beyond me, to understand how its efficient for anyone to do a piece of work, that is perfectly adequate, and yet their manager insists on correcting it to within an inch of its life.

If your so certain about what you want in the first place, SURELY its quicker, easier and more efficient for you (dear manager) to just do it yourself?

Its not like that word you inserted, or the comma you added really made the article that much better did it?!

I digress.

No, No, I will continue with this actually.

Seriously though, how disempowering, and demotivating does a manager need to be. You would think that following a set of bullet points to write a page long article was simple enough. I have a First Class degree for godsake. I know damn well that what I wrote was fine. If not brilliant! (probably not brilliant)

When it came back it was utterly massacred. Ruined, mutated into some vague waffling nothingness.


In fear of having my work brutalised again, I asked if a paragraph I’d re-written was sounding more like he wanted it.

Obviously the answer was no.

“Ok.” I said. “What would you like me to add…. or remove”

“Well..” My manager starts.

“Perhaps you could….” *Insert excessively long pause, whilst I try to control my eye from twitching with irritation at said pause*

“umm, well we need to be a bit more explicit” My manager states

“RIght. Sooo I should add an example with some statistics then, yeah?” I asked.

“Well no, don’t actually put statistics in. We need to be a bit more vague than that.”  My manager answered.

You can imagine the look on my face at this point. My response was:

“So, let me see if I have this straight; you want me to be a bit more explicit, whilst being quite vague?”

Need I say more.