LGBT

Mrs. Black – An Interview With The Wife!

interview-in-progress1

So, I am 4 dp IUI. I decided that I do far too much talking, and that my wife (Mrs. Black) often gets forgotten. Often she’s forgotten in the UK because our equality is not as progressed as many of the European countries, but also because she’s not going to carry the baby. But what I guess a lot of people forget is that she is going through this too.

So here, is an interview with Mrs. Black:

Me: So, Mrs. Black (giggle) how are you feeling about everything today?

Mrs. Black: um, confused. I just want an answer.

Me: can you elaborate some more?

Mrs. Black: I suppose, I never realised how much this means to us, and how much we want it. But at the same time its scary financially and how much it is going to change our lives.

Me: How are you finding the medical procedures?

Mrs. Black: I think Denmark are great. They are very equality driven. They made us feel so comfortable, and allowed me to push the syringe, so if you fall pregnant, I’d have done the business!

Me: how are you finding being on the other side of the medical procedures?

Mrs. Black: well, London didn’t really make me feel like I was a part of it. They just spoke at you. Whereas in Denmark, they made me feel like I was a part of making our baby.

Me: and thats important to you?

Mrs. Black: Thats really fucking important to me!

Me: How do you feel about the fact that I have fertility issues?

Mrs. Black: Makes no odds really, because we were always going to have problems, because it’s not like we can do it naturally. I always thought it was going to be difficult anyway.

And if I am honest, I wasn’t sure if I wanted kids until I met you anyway!

Me:  Do you ever experience the emotional roller coaster that I am going through?

Mrs. Black: I don’t think I experience exactly the same emotions as you. I have my own rollercoaster. As I just don’t ever stop thinking about it.

Me: How does that make you feel? Tired? Angry?? what emotions are you feeling in your rollercoaster?

Mrs. Black: within my rollercoaster, I feel tired. Like mentally tired. I feel a bit impatient too. Yeh, I spend most of my time feeling impatient. I JUST WANT TO KNOW!!

Me: Are you afraid of anything?

Mrs. Black: If I am honest, one of the only things I am afraid of, is us never being able to become parents. But worst, if we do become parents, what if our kids hate us?

Me: babe its ‘KID’ singular!!, stop saying ‘kids’ haha.

Mrs. Black: haha, sorry I know, I know, I need to stop jinxing us. You know what I mean. Kid…. Anyway, I guess the other thing I am afraid of is our child having nothing in common with me, as it doesn’t have any of my genetics.

Me: What impact has this had on our relationship?

Mrs. Black: I think its actually brought us closer. It’s made us communicate a lot more. But then saying that, we both have our own quiet times, when we both just get lost in our own thoughts. 

Me: What kind of support do you think you need? As people always think about the women carrying a baby

Mrs. Black: I just want people to remember me, and that I am in this too. But at the same time, I just want to make sure your alright.

Me: aww, your so sweet 🙂 Ok, finally then, what advice would you give to other couples going through this situation?

Mrs. Black: Never allow anyone to say ‘no’. And even though it’s probably one of the most scariest things you can do, when you’re there and your about to have treatment, all that worry disappears and you know your doing the right thing.

Me: Any final thoughts?

Mrs. Black: My final thought? Is even though its been hard and extremely emotional so far, it hasn’t made me any less determined.

Well that’s it folks! If any one has any questions, feel free to ask!

Yet another uneducated homophobe

If you have ever needed motivation to become an LGBT activist, this video right here is it…

I have posted this on QueerLandia, and I try to post different things on the two blogs, BUT I am so enraged by this total fucking idiot that I had to post it on my blog as well… besides I can swear on here!

Should same sex marriage be taught in schools? Was a question asked on one of the biggest day time TV shows a few days ago.

I have to say it has been a while since I witnessed such atrocious, narrow minded, uneducated drivel on my TV. There are no words strong enough to describe how abhorrent I find this video, I am beyond disgusted and it makes my inside boil.

He freely states that being homosexual is unnatural, and that you ‘shouldn’t be proud’ to be gay.

Not only that, but that parents should ‘correct’ their children when they come to them and tell them that they think they are gay. In so many words states that parents should suppress their children’s gay tendencies. Not only that but apparently being gay occurs because of a mistake or problem in our childhood development.

I hurled some expletives at youtube at this point. Feel free to join me…

Furthermore, he refers to ‘gay lifestyle and practices’ although, he never actually clarifies what these so called ‘practices’ are.

He so much as says that children are unsafe in homosexual families, and that statistics prove it…

I would love to know what statistics he is referring to because I have read studies that say precisely the opposite…

Such as this study, or this study… If he wants to go ten rounds on ‘statistics’ and the evidence, how about show me some hardline positivist research packed full of statistics. I bet he has none, IN FACT I bet he doesn’t even know what positivist means.

These fucking uneducated narrow minded bigots preaching about made up statistics. SHOW ME THE EVIDENCE, because I have read studies like the ones I just posted above that say the total opposite. I hate that we even need scientific studies ‘proving’ that gay and lesbian families produce well rounded kids. In fact I find it positively insulting that we need studies.

Please tell me I am not the only one furious over this…???

Grief vs. Hope – A Sacha of two halves.

Tears

I am trying, beyond trying to stay hopeful and positive. All the  books, journals, and articles, say that you need to stay positive. That in order to keep your body positive, and all the hormones in balance, you need to stay positive and hopeful and think of the good outcomes etc etc.

This is easier said than done, everyone suggests to do this, but never really explains how you turn off your incessant, ‘desperately seeking a solution’ brain. I am begging for some ideas, I understand that I need to do its, the logic makes sense, but I just can’t turn my brain off.

There are 7 stages of grief

1. Shock and Denial

2. Pain and Guilt

3. Anger and Bargaining

4.Depression, rejection, loneliness

5. The upward turn

6. Reconstruction and working through

7. Acceptance + Hope

Are grief and hope just two ends of a continuum? Two sides of the same coin?

Currently if I’m not feeling one I am feeling the other.

One minute, I am desperate with grief, sheer panic, an agony so deep inside I don’t know how I am going to pick myself up and dress myself let alone get to work.

The next minute I bounding around full of hope and promise. Certain I will fall pregnant on the first try.

It is exhausting.

Is it possible to feel all stages of grief at the same time? Or do we have to progress down through the seven stages?

I am definitely still in shock, I am struggling to accept that I don’t have many eggs, but more to the point that I will go through the menopause early.

I get slightly excited at the prospect of having a baby, I am still adjusting to the timescale, but I always wanted a family so I am trying to think of the positives and the fact that I am going to get what I want, even if a little early. But then my brain races off and tries to think about all the things I would need to buy and all the planning and moving house, and then I get real and think about how far off that is, the pain and treatments I will have to go through in order to get there, and then….

most horrible of all, the fact it might not even happen.

And thus I fall back into grief all over again.

I am convinced grief and hope are one and the same, part of each other.

I need to understand how to get rid of the grief and stick with the hope.

Today, after all the reading and learning about fertility, it was a little paragraph on wikipedia that made my day:

A 2008 study concluded that diminished reserve did not affect the quality of oocytes and any reduction in quality in diminished reserve women was age related.[6]One expert concluded: in young women with poor reserve when eggs are obtained they have near normal rates of implantation and pregnancy rates, but they are at high risk for IVF cancellation; if eggs are obtained, pregnancy rates are typically better than in older woman with normal reserve.

I guess I just have to take each day as it comes, and try to find a little hope in whatever I can.

Some People are Gay, Get OVER It.

A friend was telling me about their theory, there wont be equality for everyone fitting into a protected characteristic (like LGBT, mental health etc etc) until there is equality for women. Interesting. I have to say I kind of agree.

I mean the Church of England won’t even allowed women bishops for goodness sake, why are LGBT people expecting gay marriage to be allowed in churches? Of course I think they should be allowed, but I am just saying we don’t stand a hope in hell, when the CofE can’t even sort out a simple vote to have women bishops.

 

The UK government recently held a consultation on whether or not they should allowed gay marriages, and with a staggering 228,000 responses, it seems likely that the government is going to legalise gay marriage, at least civil marriage anyway.

The BBC’s report is here. I blogged a few times about the CofE’s ridiculous response to the consultation too: here, here, here and here.

What gets me now, and I am going to try HARD not to rant about this:

1. Apparently I can’t divorce my wife for cheating on me unless she cheats with a man. The rage I feel brewing about this, is ridiculous, I am once again turning green with a Hulk like rage. It annoys me that I even have to justify this. OF COURSE it’s cheating if she slept with another women. HOW DARE the government try and tell me it isn’t cheating. I tell you what cameron, how about I give ol’ Sammy Cameron a good poking, and then you see how you feel about it, and when she’s had the best night of her life, then come and tell me you don’t feel cheated on. Prick.

2. They are going to make it opt in for churches? I mean reaaally? This is not going to help religious LGBT people get the weddings they want. Personally I couldn’t give two shits if the churches don’t want us marrying in their ‘sacred’ grounds, I am not religious in the slightest. But I am not naive enough to think that there are no religious LGBT people. Therefore, being the egalitarian that I am I think that churches should be made (eventually) to conduct religious same-sex marriages.

Churches spout the reason that same sex marriages should not be allowed is because marriage is to enable children. WELL I got news for you god botherers, science has enabled something called sperm donation,  IVF, and surrogacy, so single women, gay and lesbian couples, and even single men can still have children. You might wana read the news sometimes. Oh and if you try and tell me that lesbians can’t parent or whatever, then how about bring some hard facts to back up your argument, otherwise, keep your bigoted opinions to yourself. I got more news for you, studies such as this one (and there are several others saying the same thing) state that not only do lesbian families rock, they smash straight families… BOOM. How do you like them apples ‘father.’

Also, whilst I am ranting, what REALLY pisses me off, is when Christians, pick and choose what aspects of the bible they want to follow:

your not supposed to wear mixed clothes

or eat shellfish

If your husband dies you marry his brother

If your wife isn’t a virgin when you marry her she gets killed.

 

Or do you not fancy following those rules? Just the ones that make you homophobic bigots?

 

3. THE EQUALITIES minister, has made 4 loop holes to prevent people going to the court of human rights, the worst of which is that they will make it legally binding that:

It is NOT discrimination to refuse to marry a same sex couple.

Words fail me at this point. I have nothing polite or clean to say about this. Seriously Maria Miller have you been puffing on the crack pipe again?

#idiot.

Fuckin’ Monday Strikes Again.

I am a strong believer in putting good karma and energy out there. So I am considering trying to change my severe hatred of Monday and put out some Monday love.

However, today is not that day.

I REALLY fucking hate Monday, and it hates me.

Today is the first day of my new placement. I rotate ever 6 months for two years, and I am hoping that this will be my last rotation. But we shall see. Anyway. So as first days go it was relatively pain free, other than the fact I am a guinea pig for my line manager who has never line managed anyone, was possibly the most patronizing person I know and only gave me one project, which she claimed would take me 6 months, and I had to try not to laugh in her face, knowing my insatiable appetite for work, I could obliterate it in two. AND, I took that as a challenge to prove the point to her. ANYWAY.

I am hopeful that this placement will be much better, for a start the office isnt some holier than thou – took an oath of silence – type offices, people actually interacted.

Enough moaning, I am genuinely happier in this office, although this is only day 1 so… I ain’t counting any chickens just yet.

Today is the wife’s birthday.

I had this whole brilliant idea for a present and card, and had planned on doing it on Saturday because she was going out with her friends back home (home being where she grew up, as opposed to our current home)

ANYWAY, she was supposed to be going to her nans the following day, and wanted me to come with her. Her nan lives an hour further south than where she came from.

So dick head over here – me – opens my big mouth and asks her why she isn’t staying in reading for the night and driving straight on to her nans in the morning.

Well I thought I was being logical and rational. Which I was, but then I got caught up in the whole thing, and shes draggin me down to her mums because she wants me to go to her nans the following day.

So I am stuck in my mother in laws house (she wasn’t there btw) with no car, no nothing, no ability to go shopping for her. She says she doesn’t care, and would prefer me to go to her nans than get her anything, but it makes me feel like crap.

So when she wakes up this morning I have nothing to give her, squat. Not even a card, I feel like the worst wife ever.

So I leave home early to get her something before work (my first day in the new placement mind) and rush to work.

Go through the whole day no hitches, minus my minor irritations, and when do I ever get through a whole day without getting annoyed?!

Anyway, I leave early in the hope that I can get to the shops to buy a cake before she gets home…

Climb in the car, key – ignition – splutter splutter… DEATH. My car literally committed suicide on me.

Why? why is it always the day before I go to uni? I have a two and a half hour drive to uni tomorrow, and I am in real danger of not being able to get up there.

Why is it always fucking Mondays??

Three parent families… Genetically

I wrote this post on QueerLandia yesterday hoping that it would generate some discussion, but it hasn’t so I thought I would blog it here, and add some more too it as well, in the hope it generates more discussion.

I saw this in the news a couple of weeks ago, and have been meaning to blog about it for a little while. I am hoping it generates a discussion….

The news reported that some scientific trials to make three parent embryos have taken place, and the UK has now launched a consultation on the matter.

The trials have been coined ‘three-parent in vitro fertilisation’ (IVF) because the offspring would have genes from a mother, a father and from a female donor, who donates some of her DNA.

The original purpose is to prevent some genetic diseases from being passed on. In particular mitochondrial diseases that are passed on genetically through the maternal line and are incurable. So they take out the culprit DNA and replace it with the female donors DNA.

One reporter poses the following questions about this:

how is a child born from this sort of technique might feel?; whether the child should be told?; whether their sense of identity might be affected?; what the rights of the female donor might be?; whether the donation of mitochondrial DNA should be viewed as similar to egg or sperm donation, or more like blood or tissue donation?; and who should decide who can access the treatments?

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/health-and-fitness/three-parent-embryos-unnerve-ethicists/article4553114/ 

They claim it raises ethical issues because it is the first step to creating designer babies. I am not sure how I feel about that.

Having recently got married, babies are  definitely on my radar, I have been to a fertility show recently and the options are vast.  We both went in thinking we wanted to do it a certain way, and came out totally confused and completely unsure of how we wanted to conceive. Like did you know that a heterosexual couple only has a 10-14% of getting pregnant at any one time. Therefore the same chances can be applied to IUI (intrauterine insemination) if you do it without drugs that is. With the aid of drugs some clinics claim their chances of getting you pregnant are as high as 40%. I have to say I left feeling pretty pessimistic and naive about the whole affair. I had gone thinking it wouldn’t be a walk in the park, and would cost a lot but I certainly didn’t have any concept of how slim the chances are in relation to how much it would cost. Because its either low chances of fertility or you need to remortgage your house in order to afford it.

ANYWAY

I will be the carrier, my wife has no interest in carrying, BUT, I am desperate to have a child that is genetically both of ours. At the moment that cannot happen, or so I thought. This is why when I saw this article and heard it on the news, my ears immediately pricked up. For me the question isn’t so much about designer babies, but about the opportunities this brings to homosexual people. Does this mean that my wife and I could both parent a child??

Could two men both genetically parent a child??

Is that right? Is it ethical? Is it moral?

I want the answer to be yes, but maybe I am being selfish and only thinking about how desperate I am to carry both mine and my wifes genetic child. Is that right, should I be thinking that way? To me, it doesn’t seem like an ethical problem but a gift, and a miracle.

I would be very interested in what everyone else thought……???????

Sacha has a wife!!

After a short break from blogging due to the wedding of the year… cough cough, yes I do mean mine! I am finally back! Although somewhat exhausted and dishevelled.

I am now a wife, and I have a wife!! Where do I even start…

So its the morning before the wedding, I am beyond rushed off my feet and I have gotten up extra early in order to pick my dad up from the airport, after having not gone to bed until ridiculous o clock making the wedding cakes. I wake up groggy and exhausted throw clothes on in the dark, and just as I am looking for my glasses and keys my dad rings telling me he has missed his flight.

RAGE

You can imagine my frustration at this news. I had zero time that day as I had back to back jobs, appointments and errands to do. He said he was going to try and get on to another flight, but I still wouldn’t of been able to go and get him from the airport as he missed his time slot in my minute by minute schedule!!!  So I had to ring around my friends and bridesmaids and try and harass one of them into doing it! which luckily I managed to do.

The night before the wedding I went out for a meal with some of my friends and with my dad. It was nice, although its a total blur now as it much of the day itself. I woke up at  4:45am the morning of the wedding in a massive panic about table names, and then couldn’t fall back to sleep, as I started stressing about all sorts of things.

When I got to the venue at 8:30am coffee in hand feeling somewhat bleary eyed, I went to get my cakes out to set them up to realise part of the front had fallen off. I managed to persuade the venue to let me use their pastry kitchen. So at 8:30am morning of the wedding I was in the kitchen throwing icing all over the place and trying to fix my cakes. It ended up EVERYWHERE!!! all over me, all over my joggers in my rollers, literally everywhere!! Suffice to say after dragging in my bridesmaids to hold this and cover that we managed to fix them and it was all good.

(did I mention that I made these…!!! So proud of myself!!! lol)

On a serious note, if you ever get married, pay someone to do the lot!! It’s not worth the stress of doing it yourself!

Now I didnt have much money left so I wanted to do something for my future wife and give her some small present that was a romantic gesture. Not being the most romantic person in the world that was particularly hard! However, I found in a little shop a black and red zebra print heart, so I decided to buy it, wrap it and send it down with a bridesmaid (because we didnt see each other the morning of or night before the wedding) with a card that said:

Today I am giving you my heart forever, please keep it safe

Well anyway I thought it was sufficiently soppy, and I was sufficiently pleased with myself.

She wrote me the most romantic letter I have ever received it was beautiful, touching and completely unexpected, she has dyslexia and therefore avoids writing most of the time as it frustrates her. However, she spent hours pouring over this letter and it was just beautiful and brought tears to my eyes.

With the cakes and sweet table complete:

My jobs for the morning were done and I could go and get ready. Which I did, and got slightly typsy as well, the wife (love saying that now!) sent up a glass of rose, and my mum had brought some seriously expensive champaign and strawberries.

In true british style it then went from glorious sun shine to pouring down with rain and so I got seriously upset. Control freak that I am everything was going swimingly, apart from the blasted rain. Which apparently as much as I will I still cant control. So we ended up getting married inside, which  I was disappointed about, but it made the wedding much much more intimate, so it turned out fine anyway.

Much to my surprise, because I am basically emotionless and my partner cries much much more often than me, she stayed perfectly tearless and I let out a few tears during the ceremony. I am still gobsmacked. More to the point I think I opened a flood gate, because I proceeded to cry for the following three days, my best friend emigrated to Oz so cried then, and for various other bits and bobs too!!

The ceremony was beautiful. Everything was perfect. The meal and reception were perfect.

We had so many compliments it was delightful.

 

I have now been married 10 days 🙂 and I am extremely happy, and relaxed, if not exhausted because we got married on the wednesday and went back to work on the Monday, honeymoon is later in the year. So this weekend I am trying to stay as restful as possible!!!

You know… I thought I would feel the same. In our relationship. But I dont. Somethings different, better, more secure, teamy, solid, I cant put my finger on it just yet, but I will keep trying….