IVF

How Big is your Bump?

How big is your bump?

31 weeks and 4 days.

Today I nearly lost my rag. So this I fear, will be a Rant of epic proportions.

I like to think that I am a women of patience, a women who rarely explodes and maintains a calm aurar. But after 31 and a half weeks of pregnancy I about lost the plot today. Biting my tongue is an understatement.

In this society we have an obsession with weight and beauty – shop stands are littered with magazines of size zero women, women who are ‘too curvy’ ‘not curvy enough’ ‘hips too wide, not wide enough’ ‘boobs too small, too big’ blah blah and everything in between. This is the pressure society puts on women who aren’t pregnant… Comments like this push teenagers to fast, binge and become anorexic or bulimic. The marketing and imagery pushed into mainstream media causes teenagers and young adults to have seriously damaged mindsets and views of their self image and body.

But when it comes to pregnancy, there seems to be this whole other level of opinion and views that general ‘people’ in society want to give and have over you.

‘People’ seem to think that its ok to pass open judgement and comments on your figure and size whilst your pregnant.

‘Oh your massive’

‘what do you mean you STILL have 8 weeks to go? Oh my god your going to be huge’

‘oh your tiny’

‘what a neat little bump you have’

‘god your going to have an enormous baby aren’t you’

After 31 weeks of this bullshit, I am really genuinely sick and fucking tired of people making comments about my size. What the fuck makes people think they have the right to pass such openly RUDE judgement on my size and shape. Why is it ok for them to tell me I’m ‘huge’ or ‘tiny’ or anything in between JUST because I’m pregnant. You wouldn’t turn around to a young women and tell her she was massive or tiny, or anything – you don’t say it, so seriously now what is it about being pregnant that makes people think they have the right to say whatever the fuck comes into their head?

The detrimental effect it is having on my mindset is horrendous – I had a poor self image before I was pregnant and was most concerned about how I was going to look and the awful stretch marks that would appear and whether or not I would feel fat and could I get rid of the weight after and blah blah blah. But I get a daily onslaught of judgements and comments from the general public or people in lifts in corridors and it is exhausting. I am tired of having to listen to what other people think about my size and weight and shape. I am struggling to maintain my sanity and sane perspective on the fact that I AM pregnant, which means I will have a bump and a few stretch marks and it will take time to lose the weight but lots of other women do it, so I can too, but I cannot place ‘societies’ expectations on myself – I will lose the weight as and when I lose it, and its fine, its ok.

I know that every women who has ever been pregnant will have experienced this – so I am wondering what witty quips you all came up with to counter those rude and ignorant arseholes out there….??

30 weeks

I cannot believe I have hit 30 weeks. I really do not know where the last 30 weeks have gone… Life seems to be dissolving in front of my eyes – through a haze of winter colds needing excess sleep and having a ridiculous social life; it appears I haven’t done a pregnancy blog in three weeks – ummm…. Three weeks feels like two minutes ago!

So the big THREE ZERO….

I remember thinking when I was about 6 weeks preggo that 30 weeks would be massive- I couldn’t really imagine ever getting to 30 weeks, it was too ‘serious’ an amount of weeks pregnant for me to ever picture

– it’s like the last stretch – the no going back – the “you should really pack your hospital bag – this shits going down soon-” type serious!!

But strangely here I am…. I am honestly a bit shell shocked that it happened so quickly. I still feel far too in denial to be this pregnant!!

I half heatedly tried to pack a hospital bag and have been watching ‘midwives and one born every minute’ again to try and get realistic about how gross/painful child birth is going to be!!

I have never appreciated childbirth – I am not one of those women who watches and cries when a baby is born – I squeeze my legs shut and try not to vomit!!

I sort of ended up doing a full circle – I watched so many episode that I almost cried at one and then after a few more episodes decided it really was gross and started wondering if I would throw up at the sight of my own afterbirth. I mean really – I faint every time I give blood – not because it hurts or I’m squeamish but because the tube that collects your warm blood rests on my arm and I can feel the warm liquid ooze out…. Ugh.

Honestly why are placentas so vile??? They look horrendous and WHY are they soooo massive?? I seriously hope I don’t see mine or I’m Guna blow!!

I guess having hit 30 weeks I am trying to be a bit more realistic – I booked antenatal classes which start early oct I’ve booked a breast feeding class and as I say started to pack a bag.

The exhaustion is hitting home big time…. I seem to walk around in one state of zombie or another. I’m guessing that won’t disappear for some time either!

Anyway I’m in the dentist -toothache again!!

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Creative help needed… Enquire within.

I need help – creative artistic help…

But first a quick update –

I’m now at 27… and something weeks…. how did that happen!? I think that puts me firmly in the third trimester?

I have no idea what has happened in all the blogs I read, so forgive me I will spend the next week catching up on everyones.

BUT I have finished my dissertation! YAY. I still can’t quite get my head around the freedom yet! I still feel like I am meant to be doing something and I am still clock watching like I am under pressure! Except I’m not!!

We had a car accident a couple of weeks ago, were all fine, there were a few hospital trips, the teeniest of ruptures which meant blood passed between me and the baby but it was soooo small no one was worried.

So, now I just waddle more than I was waddling because of the SPD!!

So I am free now, to do whatever I want… So I have created a pile of books to read the height of me! and I have got my novel back out finally after what feels like a life time… and all things creative… I have been making wallets – duct tape wallets – pics below.

and now my problem…

The Creative / Artistic Problem… HELP…

I have been collecting images and such like on Pinterest and google as inspiration for different aspects of my novel. I want to do mood/picture/inspiration boards of some variety… I feel like I need to write notes in/around them, but the other part of me thinks I should have notes and images separately… I cant really decide how to do it or what they should look like… I have 670 images that need cutting out in preparation for this, and they will make several different boards, but I would love some suggestions as to how I should do it…

27 weeks

rainbow wallet 1 rainbow wallet 2

Baby rooms

So we painted the babies room a cafe latte type colour – pretty neutral – but you can’t really tell from the photos, ive tried to add a photo of the colour from a website….and we added the vinyl tree and a billion teal leaves this evening…. Just family photos to go! I think the words are just lovely 🙂

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24 weeks – the big 6 months

Guna be totally rubbish this week – next week and probably the week after. I currently have 10 days and 9000 words left to write of my dissertation. I can barely think straight let alone blog – so just a belly update this week folks…

These shots were taken first thing this morning so actually bang on date this time!!! haha.

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23 Weeks – Week of the Kicks, and Nests.

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The Photos are a few days late in fairness, 23 + 3… but at least I took them this week! The double photo, has a comparison – week 22 vs. today 23+3.

I have to say I am gobsmacked at the difference. A lot of people have been saying that the didn’t think I had grown, and I was pretty sure I wasn’t growing all that much either. BUT apparently that isn’t the case! I am STILL growing!! and fast too! when I look in the mirror though I don’t seem to be any bigger and no one else thinks I am either – in fact the wife thought I had lost weight over the last week!!

Might be because I have been eating and craving fruit like its going out of fashion – I am glad because I would rather crave fruit than chocolate – although that said I did eat a box of chocolates over the last couple of days – ooops!!

So – this week…. It’s official… theres a weird alien inside me…. and you can feel it from the outside!! The sensations changed again when he moves, and it always takes me a couple days to realise that it’s him kicking and thats what the sensation is! So anyways I decided to shove the wife’s hand on my belly, as she has been getting upset she couldn’t feel anything as I have been feeling him move for weeks, well anyways – these kicks were very different and it was bizarre to be able to feel it on the inside and outside simultaneously. It was like some kind of… well I don’t even know how to explain it – a bit like a heart beat, or something huge literally knee-ing our hands!! and to me now, it feels like someone is having a proper rummage around my insides!

The other update – ‘Nesting’ ohh boy – I seem to have these ridiculous urges to clear out X or Y, and sort out Z. So much so, I forced my wife to help me finish unpacking the ENTIRE house!! box after box after box!! Clean down the furniture in the babies room, and unfortunately help me vacate my studio. I had to take the decision to get rid of it, because my wages will be cut so significantly that I wont be able to afford to keep it whilst I am on Maternity Leave… but thats another story I will tell you about another day.

Week 22 – attack of the stretch mark

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This is my 22 week shot – few days late – but the photo was taken at the right time.

This week has spelt the first onslaught of stretch marks. I want to cry. I have been feverishly rubbing Bio Oil into my skin a minimum of once a day and most of the time twice a day when I remember. I have tried to stay hydrated and done all the things i can. But I have two dots appearing on one hip one on the other, and the start of a very faint stretchmark in the middle of my stomach. I am so upset.

I am not massively vane or anything but I do try to take care of myself, and I like to look and feel good, and this was the one thing I was terrified about. I know theres nothing I can do but I was so desperate for this not to happen, that now having this many start appearing im not only horrified, but can feel myself getting really upset and down about it. I dont want to feel unattractive, and no matter how many of those face book posts showing a heavily scarred bellys and beautiful poems or statements about love and babies – it doesn’t help. I feel ugly and unattractive, and then guilty because I should be grateful I even got pregnant.

:*(

It’s A……??????

Drum roll please!!

 

Thanks to everyone who voted, and took the time to comment, I thought it high time I let you know that we are having a……..

 

 

 

 

 

 

BOY

 

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For anyone who does have me on social media – please don’t make any comments regarding the gender as we are keeping it a secret for a little while longer. 🙂

The  wife was obviously over the moon as she wanted a boy, I was certain it was a girl, and had spent 5 months assuming so – so I was somewhat shocked to find out it was a boy. Everyone asked if I was disappointed, I don’t think that’s the right word to use. I was just surprised. I don’t usually get things wrong, so something so fundamental that I had spent such a long time thinking about needed a readjustment process. I needed to process what it meant.

I spent the best part of a week worrying and fretting that I would have nothing in common with our little boy – and that the wife would have everything in common – I am not particularly sporty – although I love rock climbing and the gym – but I dont like football and things – all the normal sports boys like. Anyway – I also am generally a bit of a man hater – you have to be a special man before I will willingly trust you. I have been burnt many a time by men, and so I guess I just worried about what it would mean to have a man in our family. I never imagined our lives with a male in it, and so it was daunting. Don’t get me wrong – I know that I will be bringing up this little boy and therefore able to shape some of his views and certainly his behaviour and hopefully his morals. But still it was a shock as that just isn’t what I had imagined or planned for.

All I had imagined was sitting with my little girl cuddled on the sofa reading together – just like I had done with my mum. I guess I just don’t know many boys who do that. Of course that is not to say our son won’t be like – who knows what he will be like – These are just all the thoughts that ran through my head when I found out.

Also – the horror stories a couple of friends were telling me about their little boys playing with their willies in front of friends etc!! oh dear!! What have we let ourselves in for!!

The main thing from the scan is that it HE I must remember I can say he now!! He is healthy, apparently his legs are a little on the short side although in the normal range – just like mine!! haha. Hopefully they will grow at some point!

Right I’m off to visit the mother!!

Pregnancy is a pain in the solar plexus

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For someone who rarely gets ill, and soldiers through when she does, I am having a spectacularly bad year. It has been ailment after ailment, and today I have had enough.

I don’t want anyone to think I am ungrateful for this pregnancy, I most certainly am not. However, I have been in pain of one variety or another for the best part of this year.

I ended last year and started this year with tooth ache from hell. I had an abscess on my tooth so big it touched my sinus causing  odema on my face and making me look hideous.

Then we had the issues with my ovaries and all the tests and depression that came with that.

When I finally fell pregnant, I had 3 weeks of sheer exhaustion so extreme I didn’t think I would ever wake up.

My breast so sore I thought they would fall off.

Then the morning sickness started

Followed by the most excruciating headaches I ever experienced.

Then a severe chest infection

More tooth ache followed by tooth removal.

indigestion from hell

and now my solar plexus…. I think the cartilage between my rib cage – primarily under my right breast, is inflamed.

I am in agonizing pain. I can’t sit, lie or walk without it hurting, take a few steps and I am out of breath.

I am exhausted, so worn out from being in constant pain, that today I broke down. Ive cried about 5 times, which is very very unlike me. But it hurts a lot. and everything I’ve read indicates that the pain wont go away until I give birth. I don’t know how I am going to get through it, I really don’t. Being in pain makes you so tired, I just want to sleep to stop feeling the pains.

But I am such a light sleeper, and it its so unbearably hot – and we Brits don’t have air con, so I am struggling to sleep too. 😦

Sacha is sad today.