Fear

Forget #Halloween Here’s 6 Reasons The Publishing Industry is Terrifying

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I hate Christmas because it’s eye-twitchingly expensive. Mostly we spend it in the car or feeling bloated from greed. I don’t eat meat and honestly, I don’t really drink either, so the prospect of Christmas does not fill me with fluffy tinsel covered unicorns of joy. When I think of Christmas I think of the Grinch and smirk.

But Halloween, I don’t just like, I love it. And not for its real purpose of remembering the dead, or its meaningful roots derived from Irish mythology and Christianity, but because it’s filled with the weird and wonderful.

Halloween is the one time of the year when judgement stops and everyone is free. Ugly masks and unusual make up suddenly become acceptable, celebrated even. Fancy dress is no longer an oddity served with a raised bushy eyebrow, it’s compulsory.

Halloween has never been scary to me, but the writing business is and so is the publishing industry. 2017 is nearly upon us, and that means, that by hook or amputated butt cheek, I will be publishing next year.

So in a salute to Halloween, here’s 6 things I find terrifying about writing and the publishing industry  (more…)

Pregnancy Fear

Fear.

Something all pregnant women experience. Whether about ‘being a mum’ or being ready or having the right things and breast feeding. We all worry and are fearful about something.

But, and I hope that my infertility friends out there agree. There is something about us women with issues that changes this fear.

It becomes an all consuming, infestation of fear. It eats away at our positivity, our happiness and leaves us with a putrid rotting mess of fear and worries.

Even when we do get that BFP, we panic until we have seen a scan, with two weeks till your next scan you ride a wave of joy for a week until the fear virus erodes away at your excitement until your a quivering nervous wreck again at your next scan convinced something bad has happened and your babies been taken away.

I have the virus. I have the fear. My 12 week scan is on Friday, 5 days away, and I am terrified to look at the screen terrified something will have happened.

I have fleeting panics about ‘silent’ miscarriages because my sister in law had one. Moments of mental anxiety so severe I swear my heart will start will bleed with fear.

With every disappearing symptom I convince myself its not because that’s to be expected nearing the end of the first trimester but because something bass happened.

We dislike the symptoms but they are a reassurance. A comfort knowing your bodies responding to the baby growing.

I have one small comfort, I developed a new symptom the other night, a persistent sour taste that won’t go away. It’s gross but I know it’s a good sign, so I’m clinging desperately to it hoping it will provide me some kind of antibiotic to my fear virus.

I just need Friday to come and the doctors to give me the all clear.

I have everything crossed.

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Hope for a New Day?

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Humans have this kind of innate default position for hope. It’s in built, whatever happens to us, and whatever were put through we always default back to hope; even in severe, terrible situations, you find humans resolute in their hope.

I guess tomorrow represents my hope.

I have been peeing on sticks and testing to see if i’m ovulating since Saturday. I was almost ready to give up hope, and thought I wasn’t going to ovulate but as if fate itself was playing tricks on me, I took at test at lunch today and I got a positive!

So I took the rest of the day off work, and booked flights, car parking, and got some money changed up.

Tomorrow, we are flying to Denmark for the day, to try our first cycle of IUI. If anyone out there is reading this send me positive, sticky, pregnant like vibes.

We don’t really know what the stats/chances are of success, the usual is only about 16%. This clinic says my chances are 25% because I am young. I am not sure they are really taking into consideration my AMH level, and hormones and stuff. But I guess they are professionals and know what they are talking about.

We will see.

Either way, at 2pm tomorrow (Denmark time) I will be going through my first cycle of IUI. Part of me really thinks it won’t work. But theres this other part of me that is hoping beyond all hope that it does, otherwise, it’s yet another chance gone… and I don’t have many chances left.

I am terrified it will work, and terrified it won’t. Either way the consequences are serious, and life changing.

I will update soon… I imagine the two week wait is going to be tortuous.

Today has been a bit up and down too! I was full of excitement and nerves, but then I walked past Next (and the baby section) so decided to walk in and see how it felt, well I took one look at the baby grows and nearly threw up in my mouth! and ran out. It’s not real yet! It’s too scary and I don’t want to jinx myself!

Anyway, whoever reads this… think of me tomorrow. 🙂

Writers Fear

‘Writers Fear’ is real, I have it.

I reached a point of self doubt and self loathing and fear of failure, and its sucking me dry. I am at a point in the planning where I ought to be making definitive decisions, or at least my brain is telling me that I should. I have got quite far through, but have the last hard slog of final character plotting, and deciding what happens in which chapter, but instead of doing it and getting on with it, I have been paralysed with fear.

I cant seem to do anything. I am finding excuses for not writing in the studio… some reasonable, like the fact I don’t have a stool high enough to fit the table, but the point is I am procrastinating, I am afraid that I might run out of ideas and not be able to finish the planning, I am really afraid of that and it’s making me stall, preventing me from being productive, or from doing anything… at all.

I cant decided how much planning is too much, and more importantly, it’s a frightening though that if I do finish the planning then I actually need to sit down and write it, and what if I can’t?

Despite all these, I am aching to crack on and to start writing, but I refuse to write anything until all the planning is done. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to write novels simultaneously!!