New Years Resolutions

I have tried on a number of occasions to set lots of objectives for the new year, and generally speaking failed, or taken two years to complete them!

However, I am going to set some resolutions anyway.

1. Read a book a month (trying to read more non-fiction)

2. Give £5 to charity every month. I actually started this in November, donating to Movember, and then to NaNoWriMo in December.

3. Finish a first draft of my novel

4. Spend more quality time with the wife and kid.

5. Get to my goal size… (this is the hardest, chocolate addiction is a hard one to break)

What are your New Years resolutions?

Spermy, Spermy, Sperms!

 

This is quite possibly the most exciting personal post I have written in a while. The posts about my life and memoirs seem to be getting rarer, but this blog was created originally as a memoir, so I refuse to let go of that side completely, no matter how much it’s evolved, so sorry to all the folk out there who signed up to read all about writing, this ones a memoir.

A long time ago, I was told I probably wouldn’t be able to have children. It’s a long story, but it ended up in me falling pregnant rather quickly and a hasty retreat by the fertility clinic.

Thankfully we managed to get pregnant, and nine extremely long months later, and 3.5 days of excruciating labour, baby Black was born. The best year of my life followed, and a difficult decision about sperm.

The wife and I thus far haven’t really wanted another child. Not for any other reason than, we need to pay off the cost of the first baby, and buy a house to make sure we can provide for him first before having another one.

We have spent a long time discussing whether having another one would suit us, and our family. We bickered a lot to start with, but I guess that’s normal for most couples. As time has gone on we have continued to learn lots of parenting lessons and are continually growing together on our journey.

Deciding whether to save sperm for another child has been a topic of much contention. It’s difficult trying to predict what we might or might not want to do in a few years time.

Of course, even if we didn’t save sperm we could have another child using another donor, but if the option is there to use the same donor, we are both in agreement that we would prefer to use them.

So we came to a cross road… To save or not to save? It’s an extremely costly affair saving sperm. To save enough for three attempts it’s a whopping £1000 for three years, and another £300 every three years to continue to have it stored.

BUT, we decided to save some, just in case. I am not saying we will have any more kids, as at the minute neither of us can see it happening, however, we are trying to protect our options, ensure that we aren’t taking our choices away and making a decision about how we will feel in 5 or 6 years time.

So there we have it… Very exciting news, the Black’s have a bank… a bank of sperm! (can’t help but giggle like a child about this!) But SHHHHH! It’s a secret!

 

Update

I finished my dissertation this week, but also had our first anniversary, so been a tad busy… Off to pride today, but will update properly over the next couple of days… but basically…. I am back!! 🙂

Baby rooms

So we painted the babies room a cafe latte type colour – pretty neutral – but you can’t really tell from the photos, ive tried to add a photo of the colour from a website….and we added the vinyl tree and a billion teal leaves this evening…. Just family photos to go! I think the words are just lovely 🙂

Baby Bump – 20 weeks… nearly!

Two days time I will be 20 weeks. but thought it was high time I uploaded a bump shot!!

 

 

kind of a weird shape no?!

Coming out the Pregnancy Closet

 

So, last week, we got the all clear, I have to apologise for not writing for over a week, but this week has been ridiculous.

We are moving a week today, so we have been packing up the house, I had an interview this week… which I am delighted to say I got the job!! so will be graduating off the training scheme shortly – plus I get another pay rise! #win The job is also located where I will be moving too so I can walk to work!

This week, I also had to deliver a board report, and a presentation – this is besides all the packing and prep for job interviews and also an assignment which I haven’t done and had to ask for an extension #fail.

Alas, I now have a chest infection – not great when your 13 weeks pregnant. Not only a chest infection but swollen glands, a throat like cut glass, and a soaring temperature. SO the doc has had to put me on antibiotics, and I am laid up in bed feeling spectacularly sorry for myself.

We spent the weekend telling everyone – mostly shouting the baby news from the roof tops. It was great, so nice to get some positivity and a chance to be excited about the baby.

However, what did annoy me was the repetitive stream of questions about the donor. Now don’t get me wrong, I am very very grateful to the donor, for donating his sperm. I truly am, there isn’t enough thank you’s in the world for him. BUT that is it.

It is our baby, our family, our unit.

The first question out of everyones mouth was “Oh, congrats, so how did you do it”

or

“Oh congrats, so who’s the donor”

How about fuck off. DO you ask a straight couple how they got pregnant ? No you don’t, because its rude. I know that not everyone knows how you get pregnant as a lesbian, but surely it doesnt take a fucking genius to work it out. Somewhere down the line sperm has to be involved. I am a married lesbian, so its not like I’m going to go fuck a guy IS IT? So how the fuck do you think I got pregnant.

Ok, I will stop ranting and swearing now! – Sorry, but it really got my goat this weekend.

I dont understand why people can’t be just the slightest bit considerate.

They could say “Oh wow, congrats thats amazing, I hope you don’t mind me asking, as I have never experienced lesbian friends having children, do you mind telling me about the process?”

Do you know what I mean? Thats much less rude, and inconsiderate. I know people are going to be curious as its not a common occurrence, but does it really have to be the first thing out their mouths? cant they ask how the wife’s feeling or if we have any names??

I duno, I just felt aggrieved by the whole thing because EVERYONE asked. Family, friends, the lot. It sort of rained on our parade a bit. So now I have a bee in my bonnet and the next person to ask is going to get a mouthful of shitty answers and snot thrown back at them!!

Right, I am off to fall into a deep sleep coma!!

Good Karma

I seem to of had an exceptional run of good karma this week.

It started with P!nk last weekend, and just spilled into the whole rest of the week.

I have a dear fertility friend at work, who was also having issues conceiving. I remember having a conversation with her before I was pregnant and I said:

“wouldn’t it be funny if we both ended up pregnant at the same time…!!”

well….

This week she told me not only was she pregnant, but that she is due on the same day as me!! I kid you not!! I nearly fell over myself. How did that happen?? I mean really what are the chances!

Ok so then I went to a vending machine to grab some chocolate, popped my money in and out came my requested bar of chocolate, and I asked for my change, and the machine decided to give me over double my money back!! I love it when that happens!

Anyway, now we are pregnant, we REALLY need to move, we live in this tiny house with no walls. Everything is open plan, and theres only one bedroom. So we have been stressing out a lot, about how we would find £1500 for a deposit for a rental house. I had forgotten that when all this fertility stuff came up I signed on to a work housing scheme, where you can rent a house from them, at a slightly lower price than usual. Well the houses are so highly in demand, I basically forgot I had even applied for a house and had given up hope.

I got a phone call asking if we were still interested in a property to which I said yes absolutely. The agent said they had two flats available. We went to see them later that afternoon and he showed us round the first flat, which had nothing inside and I do mean nothing, no carpets, no white goods no curtain rails NOTHING. It didn’t feel right, and the cats couldn’t have got out of the flat easily, it was just wrong, and I was gutted.

Anyway, I asked if the next flat was upstairs, and he said oh I have a two bedroomed house next. I was like “are you joking me?!” he said no it’s right around the corner!!

WELL. It was BEAUTIFUL.

The whole house needs stripping, and painting, and decorating, but you can just tell its beautiful! Two double bedrooms, an enormous livingroom, gorgeous views, and a patio and garden! and the best bit…. it’s under £550 per month!! total bargain.

As if this wasn’t good enough for a week’s karma, I was practically head hunted. I was asked to apply for a job… that would mean a hefty pay rise, and mean that my maternity pay would be significantly higher… So I have to apply before going on holiday on Monday….

Keep your fingers crossed for me. 🙂

 

 

 

OMG… I think I am Pregnant….!!!

 

Ok so on the left is this mornings test… on the right the one I just took, and bloody timed, so I wouldnt have any worries about it being incorrect….

One line might be faint…..

BUT…. it’s not just me is it…??

Thats two pink lines….

OMG…. am I actually pregnant? I think I’m in shock!

Evaporation Line vs. Positive Pregnancy Test

11DPO….

If women who are trying to get pregnant aren’t tortured enough, there is something so heinous, so vile, that I wouldn’t wish it upon my enemy…

Evaporation lines.

Basterds.

They are these little second lines that appear after you have taken the test. Except they aren’t bright pink.

If your anything like me, you pee on a stick, don’t get an instant result and throw it away after less than a minute skulking back to bed. Then when you wake up 40 minutes later you rush back downstairs, take out the discarded pregnancy test, and have another look… just to see… even though you know your not supposed to look after 10 minutes.

Evaporation lines, give you hope. They play with your mind and make you think theres a shred of hope. Evaporation lines are grey and not pink. And are just left over from the test, it doesn’t mean your pregnant.

F*** you google. Ruined my day. I hate you. I want to cry but I don’t… so I won’t. On the inside, I am crushed. GUTTED, broken.

I’ve attached my evaporation lines… taken from three different angles!!

I think its grey. My wife thinks it’s pink.

Because I am that crazy, I took two normal photos, and then decided to take a macro shot… a shot like a microscope… you get WAY close to it… When you do that the line looks grey… no baby…

You decide…

Edited 23rd Nov 2015 – I decided to come back and edit this post because it still gets a lot of hits. For any woman coming to read this post now, I want to you know there is hope… That evaporation line turned out to be pink and the earliest positive pregnancy test possible! I was pregnant, I carried to term, and now I have a beautiful boy. Keep going. You will fall pregnant. ❤

Psycho Sach

 

Don’t feel like talking much, I am trying really hard to stay positive. I feel like a psycho. Up one minute down the next. Same shit as last time, think I am pregnant one minute, convinced I’m not the next.

Much less stressful this time, because pretending your positive eventually makes you feel temporarily positive. But the two weeks is taking an achingly long time to go.

In the morning I will be 4 Days post IUI, and 8 days till I am due on…

This time feels longer than the last.

I hate waiting.

Not only am I waiting to test, but I am also waiting for an appointment with the NHS again. It’s beyond frustrating, I am on a waiting list, for an appointment, just for a fucking appointment. During this appointment, I will just be referred to an IVF clinic. Which means I will go on another waiting list.

I wont get an appointment for the referral appointment until the end of April. Which means I wont go on a IVF waiting list till May at the earliest.

 

HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE WAITING

 

Why can’t I just be pregnant already?

I want to cry.