33 weeks – advice needed

Advice needed.

I had a funny turn this week – went all pale and sweaty and ghost like, and I nearly fainted. I got sent home from work and worked from home for two days.

I feel exhausted – like totally utterly and completely drained. I want to cry every morning trying to get out of bed and force myself to work. I sit at my desk and I can feel heavy weights dragging the bags under my eyes lower. I am exhausted to my bones, to my soul, my very core.

I really feel like the funny turn was probably exhaustion related. In fairness I have changed job, moved house – fully redecorated the entire house, started and completed a dissertation and a huge work submission all whilst being pregnant and the only time off ive had is 5 days (2 of which were a weekend) when I was ill. So I haven’t really had any time off so I am not surprised I am unwell.

But heres the thing, I have 4 full weeks left at work and I have to go in for one day for a big work conference a week later – that’s compulsory. But I feel like my body is giving up.

I could leave work a week earlier…. I could. I am due to leave at about 37.5 weeks but I could leave around 36 if I shifted a weeks leave from the end of my maternity to this side. But the thought of doing that makes me feel like a failure, I feel like I would be failing the baby before he even got here, giving up a weeks worth of time with him, to rest. I cant seem to get my mind out of that mindset… it just seems wrong.

I don’t really know what to do.

I have a weeks leave to play with, I could work 4 day weeks for the next 4 weeks, or I could split the hours and work 2-2.5 hours less a day – but that feels like a waste – like I am not really getting anything from using a whole weeks leave. Or I could leave work in 3 weeks instead of 4… or I could just man up and leave when I planned too in 4 weeks time…

What should I do????

Sacha’s Delirium

 

Exhaustion, and Deliria are finally setting in.

I have 4 to do lists going, Home, Work, Wedding and Urgent! Alongside my 11 wedding spreadsheets… Is that overkill??

Probably, me thinks!

Anyway,

Long gone are the times when I could finish things in advanced, turn up to meetings or events early, remember conversations…

In fact remember anything.

I was at work today in some kind of half delirious barely conscious state and I could see people talking at me, I was staring, watching their mouths move up and down, gesturing wildly at me, and I had absolutely no idea what they were saying, its like i’d pressed mute on the TV, or temporarily gone deaf.

My mother rang me to ask me something about the wedding, and she swears she was asking me something simple, and I thought she was genuinely speaking swahili. She had to explain it 6 times to me!!

My brain is so full there is LITERALLY no room for any more information. You try and add something in, something else falls out my ear, or nose to make room.

My dear friend is helping me with all the girlie stuff for the wedding as I am not very girlie, and todays topic of choice was nails.

Well I about nearly had a coronary right there.

She bombarded me with more choices than I’ve had hot meals in the last month. Seriously, HOW are there that many options for having your nails done? She sat there after having given me a list as long as my arm, I felt like I was being beaten up with girliness!! The words were wafting through the air and buzzing around my already mush filled useless brain. There were so many options, I had to stop her in her tracks and tell her to make an executive decision on my behalf, I can’t cope!!

As if I don’t have enough to contend with, I realised today that my current assignment is due in in a little over two weeks, what is more, my dissertation proposal is due in 4 days after the wedding. It was right around this point, driving home from a not particularly nice, very hot and stuffy, long day at work, that I lost it.

I broke down into a fit of hysterical laughter, on my own in the car, I laughed so hard I cried, and ended up in a weird sobbing state of laughter, I couldn’t control it. I don’t really know if I was laughing for crying, I think probably both simultaneously. It lasted most of the way home.

I feel better now!

*cackle*

I think I am losing it!

 

Life Fail

I am somewhat, lets call it ‘snowed under’ at the moment.

 

With the wedding a mere couple of months away, a full time job, part-time Masters and therefore assignments literally suffocating me, I am dying. Mostly, dying metaphorically, but it feels real. Plus I swear I found a grey hair… or five.

 

Then theres the normal day to day things which take up an alarming amount of time when you have none; such as cooking, cleaning (and why is the house always messy when you have no time to clean, and more to the point why do you feel the need to clean it when you should be studying *screams procrastination* but if I know its procrastination why can’t I seem to stop tidying instead of studying?!). You have washing (clothes and myself!), feeding the cats, making lunch for work yada yada yada; you get the point, we all have to live.

 

Then when any normal human would have enough to do, my insanity kicks in and I decide to add various things that apparently I do

a) for shits and giggles

and

b) to turn myself grey even quicker

Like attempting to write my first novel, and trying to start up an amateur cake company and lose weight. What the F*** was I thinking, doing these things in my SPARE (ha) time .

 

AND obviously thats before I have a social life. Which I do enjoy.

 

or more importantly a relationship, with the future wife.

 

Basically I am failing in all aspects of life right now.

 

I fell off the side of the planet about 18 months ago

 

Drowned in to do lists months ago

 

Was lost to coffee addiction and exhaustion weeks ago

 

and finally popped my clogs and entered ‘hysteria’ this morning when I had to get up extra early to car share with a colleague, because obviously I can afford to lose another half hours sleep… why not…

 

It’s really not like the cats don’t wake me up on the hour every hour because they can’t decide whether or not they want to be in or out of the house, and without a cat flap, Sacha has to dutifully get out of bed to let them in an out at all hours of the morning! Whos idea was it to have pets anyway, idiot.

 

Whilst I am on this rant, why is it with weddings that you get through one to do list, and twenty more appear… literally? Ok not twenty, but more, definitely more!

 

We finished a to do list, and I must have been momentarily on crack to enjoy the fleeting pleasure that crossing off the last item gave me. Because in that instant the gf turned round and asked me to write another one for all the other things we have to do, the fucking thing was twice as long.

 

And with that, I felt the last shred of hope that was clinging desperately to my soul being ripped out mercilessly!