women

Sacha Found A New Muse

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This blog seems to have split itself into two, entirely by accident. The Sacha who is going through fertility issues, and the Sacha who started the blog to write because she so loves to write, but to blog her life – her journey to trying to be an author and her quest to find her dreams.

Well, having blogged a lot about the fertility issues, I thought I would take it back to the roots today.

For those who are interested in the fertility stuff, thanks to your kind advice, I have decided to go back to Denmark to try again. I should be going on Sunday, so I will keep you all up to date.

But today is all about muses.

With all the fertility stuff, my head became thick and groggy, and not only did my muse leave me, but so did every ounce of creativity and all my ideas.

Well, a friend came over a couple of days ago, lets call her EC and we were talking about books, when I happened to mention the novel I was trying to plan, and eventually write. EC was really enthusiastic and asked me all about it. But in asking me, she questioned me about the gaps and holes in my plan, where I had hit brick walls and failed to finish planning bits.

It was like someone had reignited the dying embers of s fire. I was beyond away, I was literally on fire.

I forgot that I think out loud. I am such an extrovert, that even my thinking is done on the outside! I think whilst I talk. Literally. Talking helps me to think through ideas.

So as she was asking me all these questions, I already had most of the answers in my head, because I knew the story and the characters, I just hadn’t pieced bits together, or hadn’t solidified the connections between characters.

EC fired question after question at me, and I pulled answer after answer out of what seemed to be thin air. But they all made sense and fitted. She is my muse!

She knew all the right questions to ask to get me to fill in my gaps, and with every answer she became more and more excited.

After the session which lasted well into the early hours of the morning, I spent the last few days mapping out and drawing up plans and sketches and doing lots and lots of work. EC then said if I wanted help she would come over and help me again. She just volunteered to do that.

I guess sometimes people surprise you in good ways, and not just bad ones. People who you don’t necessarily expect to want to help you. I mean, she is a dear friend of mine, she gave a reading at the wedding, was on my hen do and is genuinely one of my closest friends, but I guess I just never expected anyone to be that interested in my book. I think I had got to a place where I thought my story was rubbish and not worth pursuing. I hit a brick wall right before all the fertility stuff kicked off and my brain went into melt down. I lost all confidence in myself, let alone my abilities. But after her excitement and insistence on me finishing the story, and then volunteering to help again, I found a new confidence and drive to get the book back on track.

Well, this evening EC came back over, and we sat for 5 hours discussing the book. FIVE hours!!! she is not only a ridiculously good friend, but seriously how dedicated is that!? god damn love that girl! what a total legend. Then, she as she left she offered to come back again and help!! She thinks the story is that good!

The other thing which was nice, is that through the chats EC and I had, the wife also joined in. Which is lovely, because the wife isn’t much of a reader, and doesn’t necessarily find me harping on about my book all the time that interesting. So she doesn’t really offer to talk about it much which is a shame, because she is full of amazing ideas.

But anyway, after 5 hours of planning and discussion this evening, I am exhausted! I have some serious work to put into this book now, and all before EC comes over for another Q & A!!

What a confidence boost this last week has been, and what a truly brilliant friend I have.

EC, I love you to bits 🙂

Mrs. Black – An Interview With The Wife!

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So, I am 4 dp IUI. I decided that I do far too much talking, and that my wife (Mrs. Black) often gets forgotten. Often she’s forgotten in the UK because our equality is not as progressed as many of the European countries, but also because she’s not going to carry the baby. But what I guess a lot of people forget is that she is going through this too.

So here, is an interview with Mrs. Black:

Me: So, Mrs. Black (giggle) how are you feeling about everything today?

Mrs. Black: um, confused. I just want an answer.

Me: can you elaborate some more?

Mrs. Black: I suppose, I never realised how much this means to us, and how much we want it. But at the same time its scary financially and how much it is going to change our lives.

Me: How are you finding the medical procedures?

Mrs. Black: I think Denmark are great. They are very equality driven. They made us feel so comfortable, and allowed me to push the syringe, so if you fall pregnant, I’d have done the business!

Me: how are you finding being on the other side of the medical procedures?

Mrs. Black: well, London didn’t really make me feel like I was a part of it. They just spoke at you. Whereas in Denmark, they made me feel like I was a part of making our baby.

Me: and thats important to you?

Mrs. Black: Thats really fucking important to me!

Me: How do you feel about the fact that I have fertility issues?

Mrs. Black: Makes no odds really, because we were always going to have problems, because it’s not like we can do it naturally. I always thought it was going to be difficult anyway.

And if I am honest, I wasn’t sure if I wanted kids until I met you anyway!

Me:  Do you ever experience the emotional roller coaster that I am going through?

Mrs. Black: I don’t think I experience exactly the same emotions as you. I have my own rollercoaster. As I just don’t ever stop thinking about it.

Me: How does that make you feel? Tired? Angry?? what emotions are you feeling in your rollercoaster?

Mrs. Black: within my rollercoaster, I feel tired. Like mentally tired. I feel a bit impatient too. Yeh, I spend most of my time feeling impatient. I JUST WANT TO KNOW!!

Me: Are you afraid of anything?

Mrs. Black: If I am honest, one of the only things I am afraid of, is us never being able to become parents. But worst, if we do become parents, what if our kids hate us?

Me: babe its ‘KID’ singular!!, stop saying ‘kids’ haha.

Mrs. Black: haha, sorry I know, I know, I need to stop jinxing us. You know what I mean. Kid…. Anyway, I guess the other thing I am afraid of is our child having nothing in common with me, as it doesn’t have any of my genetics.

Me: What impact has this had on our relationship?

Mrs. Black: I think its actually brought us closer. It’s made us communicate a lot more. But then saying that, we both have our own quiet times, when we both just get lost in our own thoughts. 

Me: What kind of support do you think you need? As people always think about the women carrying a baby

Mrs. Black: I just want people to remember me, and that I am in this too. But at the same time, I just want to make sure your alright.

Me: aww, your so sweet 🙂 Ok, finally then, what advice would you give to other couples going through this situation?

Mrs. Black: Never allow anyone to say ‘no’. And even though it’s probably one of the most scariest things you can do, when you’re there and your about to have treatment, all that worry disappears and you know your doing the right thing.

Me: Any final thoughts?

Mrs. Black: My final thought? Is even though its been hard and extremely emotional so far, it hasn’t made me any less determined.

Well that’s it folks! If any one has any questions, feel free to ask!

The Old Boys Club of Women’s Intuition

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in·tu·i·tion

/ˌint(y)o͞oˈiSHən/

Noun
  1. The ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning.
  2. A thing that one knows or considers likely from instinctive feeling rather than conscious reasoning.

 

Women’s intuition is a really funny thing. It reminds me a little of an old boys club.

Most, but not all women have exceedingly good intuition. It’s a frighteningly powerful tool we use to seek out ‘wrongs’ or ‘no good’ but sometimes to seek out things we must do, or prevent.

Women generally like to over analyse everything, I am the ultimate example of an over analyser. It’s painfully annoying I hate myself for it, but I simply can’t help it.

I regularly sit around with my friends debating this ‘hunch’ I have, or a feeling I got when so and so looked at Billy bob in a strange way, and now I’m convinced that such and such is happening.

These discussions are highly secretive! If Billy Bob or whoever it was they were looking at were to interrupt or pass by, then hushed silences would fall over us, or indiscrete hand gestures would be thrown around the conversation bringing us to a rather undiplomatic silence.

The thing is our intuition tends to grow with our friends. One of my friends and I in particular, have a strange ability to throw a single look at each other, make one teeny facial expression and convey an entire conversation in an instant.

In fact I might only need to utter a single word or even half a syllable, and she will be nodding enthusiastically saying “mmm hmm, I thought so too”

Not that we would want to admit it, but we women are harbouring ourselves and our intuition in old boys clubs.

My point about this, is, we do strange things. We instinctively know when something’s wrong, when someone’s cheated on us or stabbed us in the back.

I pick up my phone a millisecond before it rings knowing its a particular friend.

And then…. Then there’s the really weird intuition, the intuition about our body’s….

If we pay just a tiny amount of attention to our body we can know all sorts of weird things.

Two months running I knew exactly when I was about to ovulate. So I got up and tested myself and got a positive result…

This month in particular was such a strong sensation that I sat bolt upright and just “knew” even though it wasn’t when I ought to have tested.

Women know things. We do. And we use them to do special, amazing and impossible things.

I think that I knew, I must of. My body must of told me to take that fertility test all those months ago. Something deep down an intuition, an inkling – that despite all the dismissals from the wife and doctors saying I was wasting my money- that I needed to take that test to prove I needed to do something now.

Why else would I of gone against professional advice?

The thing that I love about these boys clubs is that all the women around you coo and cluck in agreement affirming your suspicions because they too ‘had a feeling’ or simply understand because they’ve been there before.

We have an ability to know when you meet someone for the first time if they are a good egg or a bad egg.

I can reel off numerous examples of meeting someone – take another one of my friends, she had this new girlfriend that I took an instant disliking to for no apparent reason. I mean, I met the poor girl for a couple of hours, and immediately hated her. I couldn’t tell my friend why, either. I just didn’t like her.

Turns out the bitch was a psycho, and because I’m a good friend I didn’t say ‘I told you so’ !

In fact, my instinct is so acutely sensitive one of the wife’s best mates asked me to go to dinner with his new girlfriend to suss out whether or not she was worth hanging on for.

Turns out I didn’t like her either, and as it happened, she was a bad egg too.

Sometimes, we just know.

What I am hoping, is that I will know if I’m pregnant before I can test in two weeks… After the insemination yesterday two weeks of waiting is a seriously long time. It’s going to kill me. I’m impatient at the best of times but waiting two weeks for something this important is literally torture.

Maybe I’m over analysing because I’m desperate for a ‘sign’ but seriously…

We know shit right?? Sometimes you can know?!

God I hope so because otherwise it’s going to be a fucking long two weeks!!

 

In pieces… Infertile

A little while ago, we went to a fertility show, just as a curious newly we’d lesbian couple. Just to see how much it might all cost.

They were giving out half price initial consultations including an internal scan. One of the exhibitors mentioned a test they can do to see how fertile you are… AMH – A hormone released by follicles in your ovaries.

There was no reason on Earth that a 25 year old should have that test. 25 year olds are generally in their prime but something told me to go to the appointment and get the AMH test (which was an extra 100 can I just add)

The clinic and the wife all tried to stop me getting the test saying your fine your young, no family history, lots of pregnancies etc etc. but something kept telling me to take it. So I did.

Scans came back normal lovely womb you have there the doc said!

The AMH – an indication of your egg reserve came back in a very low response group….

The clinic called me back thinking they had made a mistake and re-tested me for free and asked me to take a whole bunch of other tests. FSH, LH, and oestradiol. All hormone tests, which came back fine.

But my AMH came back even lower… Negligible…. That was New Years Day.

So today I got told that means I will be going through a very early menopause… Late twenties early thirties….

When I showed the doctor my results he actually swore… I’ve never heard a doctor swear before.

“Shit, that is low…. I’m referring you for urgent high priority IVF” the doc said.

I might only have a year or two supply of eggs left.

I’m 25.

I’m not sure what to write. I am an erratic eclectic mix of emotions.

Desperate
Shocked
Denial
Angry
Shocked
Denial
Upset
Scared
Confused

I’ve cried on an off for 2 days. One minute I’m fine the next I’m in pieces.

Doc said that I have to go for IVF now or it will be too late…

Too late… I’m 25.

We only went to the clinic as a random fact finding mission… I am not a huge believer of fate… But something told me to get that test… If I hadn’t I would never have known and it would have been too late.

I am hoping beyond hope that it’s not too late.

I don’t even think I’m ready for a baby… It wasn’t meant to be now… I was meant to buy a house… Go travelling… Go out….

I don’t know.

How life can change in an instant

I’m still waiting for that moment when someone turns round and says “only joking” but it’s not happened… And then I got referred for IVF… That’s when it became serious.

I just… I can’t…

Why me?

I’m broken, half a women. What’s wrong with me!

I am in pieces.

My lesbian love story…

With a little over 5 weeks until the big day, (wedding day) I thought you might like to hear how I met my future wife

In true Sacha style, not only was my proposal unique (that’s a story for another day), so was the way I met my beautiful partner.

As if fate had always intended, not only did I live on the same street as my future girlfriend, we had mutual friends, and I worked in the pub she drank in.

I must have served her a million times before we met, and for some reason we had never noticed each other.

That’s a good thing because we were both in relationships.

About three and a half years ago on exactly the same day, fate struck again. We both became single, under different circumstances but it happened on exactly the same day. Both having been in substantial relationships neither of us were particularly fussed about meeting someone.

Exactly six days later….

I was at work, had been in the kitchen of my student bar so stank of chip fat and grease, but a mutual friend of ours persuaded me to grab my spare t shirt and head to the club. So off I went with my stinky work combat pants and spare t shirt, no make up and no hair done, generally looking a state, and slide up to the bar to cue for a pint. At this point my future girlfriend apparently spotted me with our mutual friend at the bar (I was oblivious at this point) so she decided to grab my attention.

She trotted up to the bar and barged passed me shunting me to the side as she whispered in our mutual friends ear. Furious I turned round ready to scruff this random rude girl up. I looked at her, and melted instantly. She was genuinely the most beautiful women I had ever seen. I felt sick with butterflies.

She went back to wherever she came from and I grabbed our mutual friend gasping “who’s your friend? Tell me she’s gay and tell me she’s single??”

The mutual friend groaned and said she is, but only recently I wouldn’t go there if I were you.

Too late.

I was hook line and sinker for this gorgeous women.

I made our mutual friend introduce me, and we stood chatting, I was barely able to make conversation I was so hideously full of butterflies and adrenaline.

There was at this point another girl, who was obsessively chasing me and I had absolutely no interest in her. I told the future girlfriend this and she said, bold as brass in front of me “well why don’t you let me kiss you in front of her, and she might go away…?” she said grinning at me with her cute white teeth and mesmerising smile.

I about threw up there and then, and felt my legs want to give way. I giggled completely unable to utter a response, and wished beyond anything that she would just kiss me, and ravish me right there in the club. I wanted her. BAD.

We spent the rest of the night chatting and talking, she had me wrapped around her little finger instantly, and I was captivated by every syllable she said. Four of us went back to my house for a while and then we walked everyone back down our road a few houses and into her house. We chatted until the early hours of the morning. It must have been about 4 or 5am and I started to shiver  her house was not the warmest, so she went to get me a duvet. The four of us carried on chatting and I sat on the sofa next to her as she laid the duvet over us. Our mutual friend sat on the other side.

Whilst we carried on chatting she put her hands under the duvet, and edged it closer to mine. I could feel the warmth from her hand getting closer to mine and it made my stomach churn.

Our little fingers connected, and I could feel the electricity between us. We held hands under the duvet till the light came up. I said good night we her number in my phone, and walked home with a grin I couldn’t remove.

We spoke all week and met up a few days later. A week after we met, on my birthday, all our friend were out, it was a london underground party and I was dressed as ‘Angel’ a slower song was being played by the Dj and we sidled up to each other dancing slowly arms locked around her neck. She looked into my eyes and her soft lips touched mine. It was the most delicious kiss I have ever had, and all our friends cheered whilst they danced around us!

That was three and a half years ago. Now, in 5 weeks time, she will be my wife.

I will tell you how she proposed next time!

 

NOTE: This is not actually us!!

THIS IS NOT US!!!!!

Help wanted… Women’s Studies

A little plea for help today bloggers.

I am doing my dissertation on women’s management. Thats as far as I have got in determining a fixed dissertation question…. So I am wondering if anyone knows of any good websites/blogs/articles about any of the following that can help me form a question:

  • Gender differences in senior leadership or management
  • Women’s management
  • Glass ceiling issues
  • Pay inequalities
  • Differences in leadership styles
  • Gender inequalities in the work place

I have aleady done quite a lot of research, and have a number of articles to read, but I know that the bloggisphere and networking is a great chance to find cheeky articles that I might not have found myself, which will look fab when I reference them.

ALL help very very welcome.

Thanks Guys 🙂