Rants

General rants about life, the universe and everything.

Depression. Muses. Life.

muse

I am feeling worse than ever. I saw the above picture today, and I just cried. For me it’s such an inspirational picture. It takes me back to when I was travelling. Reminds me of the breath taking Himalayan mountains I trekked through. The peace I found when I was there. I want nothing more right now than to run away and climb into a big dark hole, hiding away from the world forever.

I want to be that girl in the photo. I should be that girl in the photo. All I ever wanted to do was go to uni and go travelling. Bum around the world for a while, sucking life experiences in and just ‘being’. No responsibilities, no plans, no cares. Coming from someone so anal, and organised I surprised myself at how much I enjoyed travelling. But I really did find a kind of peace when I was away. A kind of silence. Like the silence late at night when it’s snowed or is snowing. When it’s 1am, and nothing moves not even the air… Travelling was my muse, it inspired me, it humbled me and it gave me peace.

I am a shell, a living breathing carcass right now.

The last year has crushed me.

I don’t think I even know who I am anymore.

The stress of my family during the wedding, the job that has sucked every ounce of individuality out of me and forced a monotonous drone of boring beige routine into my life, and worst into me…. but worst of all the fertility issue.

I have been in and out of depression enough over the last 18 months because of ‘life’ but right now… it truly has to be the worst place I have been in…

I just cant cope.

My senior manager told me the other day that he couldn’t believe how well I was coping. He said no one would notice that something so horrific was happening to me. He said that I was really strong, and he was very impressed with my resilience.

It’s a facade. I am a fake. A plastic temporary smile, that I wear for 8 hours a day that drains every last ounce of anything I have in me.

He shouldn’t be impressed. He might think I am still brilliant, I am coasting through the days just to keep myself going. I am on autopilot… again.

I just didn’t picture my life like this, when I think back, this picture, that girl… that’s who I was going to be. I think that’s why the photo has struck such a deep resonance with me.

I have started testing my ovulation again today… when I ovulate this week, we will be flying to Denmark to try insemination.

The wife is so positive that it scares me. I already feel like a failure, my body… my ovaries are inadequate and I don’t want to disappoint her if the insemination doesn’t work. It only has a 25% chance of working at the best of times, let alone with my problems. I am also worried because I have been trying to be really healthy, but I seem to have got a cold this week… that is not going to help me get pregnant… more worries.

Then the thought of actually getting pregnant is also terrifying. All the life changes, I am still trying to get my head around it all, giving up everything I thought I was going to have, that was who I was going to be in my 30’s… not in my mid twenties. The next 5 years were meant to be fun before we tried to have a family…. I just can’t get my head around it. I just can’t. Why hasn’t someone told me it’s all a big mistake yet? WHY?????

I just…

I am in a very dark, very strange, very lonely place right now. Words are failing me, I just can’t explain where my head is. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to see anyone, I don’t want to do anything. I can feel myself locking down, and shutting the world out and theres nothing I can do about it. I can’t muster enough ‘me’ to talk about how I feel. I don’t fucking know how I feel. That’s probably the problem. I don’t have words. The complexity of emotions I am feeling right now is indescribable.

I feel bad because I know I should be communicating, but I just don’t want to talk, about anything to anyone. I don’t want to have to justify myself, and I don’t want to explain my feelings. I just want to be quiet and for it all to go away. I want to wake up in the morning and be that girl in the photo…

But I won’t.

I am going to wake up… still be Sacha, still be depressed, still have a job I hate, and still have fertility issues.

Yet another uneducated homophobe

If you have ever needed motivation to become an LGBT activist, this video right here is it…

I have posted this on QueerLandia, and I try to post different things on the two blogs, BUT I am so enraged by this total fucking idiot that I had to post it on my blog as well… besides I can swear on here!

Should same sex marriage be taught in schools? Was a question asked on one of the biggest day time TV shows a few days ago.

I have to say it has been a while since I witnessed such atrocious, narrow minded, uneducated drivel on my TV. There are no words strong enough to describe how abhorrent I find this video, I am beyond disgusted and it makes my inside boil.

He freely states that being homosexual is unnatural, and that you ‘shouldn’t be proud’ to be gay.

Not only that, but that parents should ‘correct’ their children when they come to them and tell them that they think they are gay. In so many words states that parents should suppress their children’s gay tendencies. Not only that but apparently being gay occurs because of a mistake or problem in our childhood development.

I hurled some expletives at youtube at this point. Feel free to join me…

Furthermore, he refers to ‘gay lifestyle and practices’ although, he never actually clarifies what these so called ‘practices’ are.

He so much as says that children are unsafe in homosexual families, and that statistics prove it…

I would love to know what statistics he is referring to because I have read studies that say precisely the opposite…

Such as this study, or this study… If he wants to go ten rounds on ‘statistics’ and the evidence, how about show me some hardline positivist research packed full of statistics. I bet he has none, IN FACT I bet he doesn’t even know what positivist means.

These fucking uneducated narrow minded bigots preaching about made up statistics. SHOW ME THE EVIDENCE, because I have read studies like the ones I just posted above that say the total opposite. I hate that we even need scientific studies ‘proving’ that gay and lesbian families produce well rounded kids. In fact I find it positively insulting that we need studies.

Please tell me I am not the only one furious over this…???

Anger

Today I am just fucking angry. I can’t help it.

I am angry with everything, at everything, about everything and with everyone.

I don’t want to be consoled I feel like enough of a leper as it is without everyone trying to tread on eggs shells around me and tell me how well I’m doing. Fuck off.

I’m not in control, I am not ok, and I don’t wana hear that I’m “doing so well- your coping brilliantly”

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

The only reason everyone else thinks I’m coping is because I don’t do emotion in front of people. I only discuss fact and the action plan we are taking. What else is there? (Don’t answer that)

And then when I am on my own, I let silent tears fall down my cheeks.

All day everyday I am thinking about my eggs and IVF. I am losing the plot on the inside and a stone cold monster on the outside.

Whatever you think. I am not coping. Not one bit. Nothing about this is fucking ok.

This isn’t fair. And it’s taking too long.

I am angry at the world today.

:*(

Some People are Gay, Get OVER It.

A friend was telling me about their theory, there wont be equality for everyone fitting into a protected characteristic (like LGBT, mental health etc etc) until there is equality for women. Interesting. I have to say I kind of agree.

I mean the Church of England won’t even allowed women bishops for goodness sake, why are LGBT people expecting gay marriage to be allowed in churches? Of course I think they should be allowed, but I am just saying we don’t stand a hope in hell, when the CofE can’t even sort out a simple vote to have women bishops.

 

The UK government recently held a consultation on whether or not they should allowed gay marriages, and with a staggering 228,000 responses, it seems likely that the government is going to legalise gay marriage, at least civil marriage anyway.

The BBC’s report is here. I blogged a few times about the CofE’s ridiculous response to the consultation too: here, here, here and here.

What gets me now, and I am going to try HARD not to rant about this:

1. Apparently I can’t divorce my wife for cheating on me unless she cheats with a man. The rage I feel brewing about this, is ridiculous, I am once again turning green with a Hulk like rage. It annoys me that I even have to justify this. OF COURSE it’s cheating if she slept with another women. HOW DARE the government try and tell me it isn’t cheating. I tell you what cameron, how about I give ol’ Sammy Cameron a good poking, and then you see how you feel about it, and when she’s had the best night of her life, then come and tell me you don’t feel cheated on. Prick.

2. They are going to make it opt in for churches? I mean reaaally? This is not going to help religious LGBT people get the weddings they want. Personally I couldn’t give two shits if the churches don’t want us marrying in their ‘sacred’ grounds, I am not religious in the slightest. But I am not naive enough to think that there are no religious LGBT people. Therefore, being the egalitarian that I am I think that churches should be made (eventually) to conduct religious same-sex marriages.

Churches spout the reason that same sex marriages should not be allowed is because marriage is to enable children. WELL I got news for you god botherers, science has enabled something called sperm donation,  IVF, and surrogacy, so single women, gay and lesbian couples, and even single men can still have children. You might wana read the news sometimes. Oh and if you try and tell me that lesbians can’t parent or whatever, then how about bring some hard facts to back up your argument, otherwise, keep your bigoted opinions to yourself. I got more news for you, studies such as this one (and there are several others saying the same thing) state that not only do lesbian families rock, they smash straight families… BOOM. How do you like them apples ‘father.’

Also, whilst I am ranting, what REALLY pisses me off, is when Christians, pick and choose what aspects of the bible they want to follow:

your not supposed to wear mixed clothes

or eat shellfish

If your husband dies you marry his brother

If your wife isn’t a virgin when you marry her she gets killed.

 

Or do you not fancy following those rules? Just the ones that make you homophobic bigots?

 

3. THE EQUALITIES minister, has made 4 loop holes to prevent people going to the court of human rights, the worst of which is that they will make it legally binding that:

It is NOT discrimination to refuse to marry a same sex couple.

Words fail me at this point. I have nothing polite or clean to say about this. Seriously Maria Miller have you been puffing on the crack pipe again?

#idiot.

Sacha’s Facebook Saga

I made an executive decision to delete facebook on Tuesday.

At the time I was seriously peeved with it, but now I might be getting some slight withdrawals…!

The thing with facebook, is that technically it really is a good way to stay connected, and it really is a good way of having a back up of all your photos. However, increasingly over the last few months I have been getting irritated with it.

I am prone to ranting, and writing statuses that may or may not be fleeting, I tweet angry tweets, and write angry blogs. However, I am not reaaaallly always angry. I know that it makes me look like I am innately angry, but I just get supremely irritated by things. Once I have ranted, tweeted, status’d or blogged its out of my system and I am over it. I don’t hold grudges, my moods are only temporary and basically everyone should ignore me. Plus, I don’t really mean the things I say most of the time.

That, however, does not stop people putting their two pence in. Now don’t get me wrong I 100% appreciate that if I didn’t write statuses people wouldn’t comment on them. But that’s one of the reasons I deleted it.

I started to feel like people were unnecessarily sticking their ore in. My mother felt the need to comment on literally every single status. If I swore she would say publicly don’t swear sweetie, or Oh is that French. COME ON, I am 25, and married for god sake. I do not need to be told when I can and cannot swear on my facebook.

If I was annoyed at something, or had ranted about something, people would tell me what I should and shouldn’t do.

Now, I know that people comment on blogs, but that’s different. I am asking for comments, I want the comments, I am actively seeking out engagement, and interaction.

Facebook however, I would make some blasé comment about being angry, or raging and people would literally think that I was about to hurt someone, or myself.

When did everyone get so serious? It’s a fricking joke, an off the cuff blasé, momentary feeling for goodness sake. Just because I’m raging at 9:02 doesn’t mean I am still raging at 9:04.

What tipped me over the edge was, I wrote a status about being in the worst mood ever, and of all people to comment on my status, it was one of the last people I saw before meeting my now wife. They wrote some patronizing comment about how I needed to change my outlook on life, I am too angry, it’s not healthy. FUuuuuuuuuCK OFF.

Seriously,

a) you of all people don’t tell me what to do, I haven’t seen this person in 3 and a half years, so what do you know about my life anyway and

b) what the hell makes you think you know me well enough to tell me what to do anyway

c) It’s a fricking status. It doesn’t mean anything. CHILL OUT.

Also, facebook kills peoples sex lives. In fact technology in general kills peoples sex lives. Since when did we become a society that doesn’t communicate any more? Lesbians in general are more in danger of suffering lesbian bed death than other people anyway. So I’ll be damned if I risk it for the sake of fricking facebook.

I did a little friend survey of those in relationships and asked how many of them suffer from that awkward moment when they and their partners crawl into bed at night, and instead of having a cuddle or communicating with their lovers, they prefer to sit on their phones, on facebook or twitter or whatever, in silence. Do you know how many said they did that…..

100%.

That is ridiculous.

So I deleted facebook.

In protest.

I don’t want random school friends that I don’t care about telling me what I should and shouldn’t be doing with my life, and I certainly don’t want to go anywhere near lesbian bed death.

So I am protesting.

 

I deleted facebook on Tuesday evening.

It’s now Thursday morning, and I think, ironically, I am having withdrawals because I suffered from a horrendous realisation….. I too am nosy, and love to know what people are doing or saying. I don’t however, stick my ore in where it’s not wanted!!

*sigh*

I don’t know yet, how long this angry protest will continue for. Probably not long! But I am holding out thus far!!

Fuckin’ Monday Strikes Again.

I am a strong believer in putting good karma and energy out there. So I am considering trying to change my severe hatred of Monday and put out some Monday love.

However, today is not that day.

I REALLY fucking hate Monday, and it hates me.

Today is the first day of my new placement. I rotate ever 6 months for two years, and I am hoping that this will be my last rotation. But we shall see. Anyway. So as first days go it was relatively pain free, other than the fact I am a guinea pig for my line manager who has never line managed anyone, was possibly the most patronizing person I know and only gave me one project, which she claimed would take me 6 months, and I had to try not to laugh in her face, knowing my insatiable appetite for work, I could obliterate it in two. AND, I took that as a challenge to prove the point to her. ANYWAY.

I am hopeful that this placement will be much better, for a start the office isnt some holier than thou – took an oath of silence – type offices, people actually interacted.

Enough moaning, I am genuinely happier in this office, although this is only day 1 so… I ain’t counting any chickens just yet.

Today is the wife’s birthday.

I had this whole brilliant idea for a present and card, and had planned on doing it on Saturday because she was going out with her friends back home (home being where she grew up, as opposed to our current home)

ANYWAY, she was supposed to be going to her nans the following day, and wanted me to come with her. Her nan lives an hour further south than where she came from.

So dick head over here – me – opens my big mouth and asks her why she isn’t staying in reading for the night and driving straight on to her nans in the morning.

Well I thought I was being logical and rational. Which I was, but then I got caught up in the whole thing, and shes draggin me down to her mums because she wants me to go to her nans the following day.

So I am stuck in my mother in laws house (she wasn’t there btw) with no car, no nothing, no ability to go shopping for her. She says she doesn’t care, and would prefer me to go to her nans than get her anything, but it makes me feel like crap.

So when she wakes up this morning I have nothing to give her, squat. Not even a card, I feel like the worst wife ever.

So I leave home early to get her something before work (my first day in the new placement mind) and rush to work.

Go through the whole day no hitches, minus my minor irritations, and when do I ever get through a whole day without getting annoyed?!

Anyway, I leave early in the hope that I can get to the shops to buy a cake before she gets home…

Climb in the car, key – ignition – splutter splutter… DEATH. My car literally committed suicide on me.

Why? why is it always the day before I go to uni? I have a two and a half hour drive to uni tomorrow, and I am in real danger of not being able to get up there.

Why is it always fucking Mondays??

Vampires, Dead or Alive?!

Little vampire

Little vampire (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I want to start a debate.

Who thinks that vampire fiction has had its day??

Had some interesting conversations today, some hard core traditionalists who hate all the new modern vampire literature, and others who like it.

Do you think that the current literary field is too saturated with vampire fiction or do you think there is still room for more?

I personally think there is room for more, it’s popular now yes, and a bit of a fad, but it’s been around for a long time.

You have had so many generations of vampires, from ‘Varney the Vampire‘ and Dracula, to Ann Rice‘s and now more modern literature like the twilight series and True Blood.

I found it interesting, and was slightly irritated that someone thinks a genre that has been so popular for so long has had its day. I don’t see how you can reason that when it’s still so popular and marketable.

What do you think?

F**k Monday

Mondays are shit.

I really REALLY hate Mondays, but today was a particularly repugnant Monday.

I am not a morning person at the best of times, but Monday mornings, WOAH.

Forget, conversation, in fact, forget expecting to see my eyes open. Until it’s at least 11 and I have managed to cradle a coffee.

Mondays are hideous, they are cruel, particularly unkind, in fact vicious, and completely unforgiving.

Mondays are by far the worst day of the week, except maybe Tuesdays, which on occasions can be even worst.

This morning was no better than any other Monday morning. I woke up… barely, I struggle so much with mornings, being a night owl, I find them pointless, yet I try and force myself awake to get to work early so I can finish work early  to miss the traffic and get the whole evening to myself.

So I woke up, just.

I was so far beyond tired. My face was basically falling off, I had bags the size of cars, and my eyes felt like they were bleeding when I tried to tear them open, and force the sunlight into them.

Monday… you have just finished a weekend, which inevitably wasn’t long enough and now you have to face and ENTIRE week of work, 105.5 hours until, 4:30pm on a Friday when the weekend begins again. Tuesday isn’t much better, because its not like you can say it’s half way through the week like you can at lunch time on Wednesday, plus you can’t blame being asleep or not paying attention on the fact it’s Monday-the first day after the weekend. Hate Tuesdays just as much! But that’s another story.

Anyway, so I shower, and get ready half asleep, and then I am so tired, I am hugely grateful that I packed my bag and made lunch the night before. So I climb back into bed to catch another seriously precious 20 minute snooze.

I get woken up 15 minutes later by the most irritating sounds EVER. Some game the gf has decided to download at ridiculous o clock in the morning and can’t turn the sounds down. Firstly, its Monday morning, why would you be downloading an app, and playing on it? And secondly why would you do it, lying next to me, when I am clearly trying to nap, fully clothed? So it’s fairly obvious I am struggling. Anyway, I politely explain that I am trying to get some sleep and she gets in a mood with me, and tells me how noisy I am in the morning ALWAYS waking her up.

Which can I just point out is not entirely true. I am incredibly clumsy which she knows, but I try my best not to wake her up.

Anyway, she is now in a mood with me, because I am in a mood with her. Why do lesbians do that?

She huffs off to have a shower, and as I have just started to doze off again, the vile sound of the alarm clock goes off. I have to FORCE myself out from under the covers and into my shoes.

After managing to get to work early, I realise that I have an ‘early’ pre 9am meeting that I completely forgot I had, luckily theres no cue for coffee and I think the days looking up.

Alas not.

I then have to shuffle in an out of meetings barely having enough time to catch up from all the emails I missed on Friday, so manage to get nothing productive done at all. Then I realise I have to give a board report tomorrow. Which I clearly haven’t given a seconds thought to. *note to self* must remember to practice later.

Then I try to pull together a to do list, scratching at my brain to remember last week, which then reminds me the house insurance is going to expire any day now and the cat insurance needs renewing. I daren’t even look at the wedding to do list.

The day flies by because I am so busy, and then I get to the gym. I am at this point slightly concerned I have put on a couple of pounds recently. So I have a renewed motivation to lose weight, can’t think of anything worst than being disappointed with myself on my wedding day for having not tried hard enough to get to my goal weight.

I climb reluctantly onto the scales, to see the damage, convinced its only a couple of pounds. HA, well wasn’t that a nice little fuck you from the scales. EIGHT pounds. EIGHT. I was/am mortified.

How the hell did I put on over half a stone in a month? Well that’s it. I roast myself in the gym, and head straight to the supermarket to buy the entire healthy aisle. Which, might I add, is the most expensive aisle in the shop. Why is healthy food so god damn expensive? NOT happy.

I get home, with a million things on my lengthy to do list, to find a nice gas bill for 75 quid, that I clearly don’t have spare. Nice.

Well f**k you very much Monday, see you next week.

Lesson 101 in how to demotivate someone

You can squash me,

You can beat me,

You can push me down,

But I will get up,

I will try again,

And I won’t give up,

One day when your tired,

When your broken,

And when you quit

I will triumph, I will stand proud, and I will win.

Sacha Black

****

What a ridiculous week.

I have never met a bunch of more miserable, bubble bursting, negative  people in my life. I know were in a recession but seriously, theres no need to make me miserable just because you are!

I met a senior manager recently who told me that I wouldn’t have a job in a few years time, that there wouldn’t be any money for managers or project managers like me. That we were facing hard times and more cuts were coming, they continued…

“realistically I ought to find a ‘proper profession'”

Thing is it was meant to be a motivating statement because they were trying to poach me into their department. Probably is, once I heard that they thought I wouldn’t have a career etc etc I kinda switched off.

Then a few days later I met my new mentor.

WELL.

They asked me what my biggest challenges were at the moment. I said that in my previous job I was really passionate and enjoyed living to work. Whilst I understood that there was a balance to be had and that it wouldn’t always be like that, I wanted to still be passionate about what I was doing, and that I was struggling to find a niche in the job I am doing at the moment to be passionate about.

My mentor kindly told me that I needed a reality check because most people work to live and that I should probably get used to it.

I was utterly shocked that for someone who is supposed to mentor, coach and motivate someone that they could be so negative and pessimistic. I am not naive I know most people work to live, but for goodness sake you don’t have too.

Only you have control over your life and the direction you choose to take. People choose to stay in jobs they hate for a variety of reasons, but I am sorry that’s your choice. If you were really miserable then only you can make the change you need too, to do what makes you happy. I think it’s utter bollocks that I should expect to not be passionate about my job and expect to work to live. Bollocks.

Demon emailer makes for an angry Sacha

Today, I am boshing out my angry lesbian.

We have established that I hate vague rambling discussions and or instructions, and these nearly made it onto my list of pet hates.

However, I still only have three official pet hates, (official because I have an endless ever growing list of things that annoy me, but three that will instantly piss me off)

I hate being patronized. It makes me arrogant and angry and ultimately turns me into the antichrist!

Don’t patronize me because

a) I am probably more intelligence than you

and

b) I can definitely do whatever it is that were doing better than you

So this new person has taken over the HR for the scheme that I am on. Supposedly they are “babysitting” it. Sorry the last time I checked I didn’t actually wear diapers anymore.

Anyway.

A little while ago we were asked to organise an event. Asked for ideas and then the reins were past over to us to get on with the event.

New girl starts, a little over a week after we were told to get on with it.

Newbie sends some really patronizing email giving us an arbitrary deadline for the next working day to ‘submit’ our presentations to her to ‘review’ them.

#rage instantly.

Firstly we were never given a deadline in the first place, secondly dont ask for something the next working day when its already the afternoon and I am rammed up to my eyeballs in work; and thirdly, the event was still a WHOLE month away. Your not in the private sector now love. Welcome to the public sector!

I responded with a polite email back suggesting that the deadline be pushed forward because the event was a long way away and that the deadline was a little close.

This earnt the newbie the nick name “Demon Emailer”

The ridiculous email continues

“I am sure that you all have been formulating your ideas for what you are going to talk about since the time you volunteered to do these sessions. ”

The response I SHOULD have sent:

No you patronizing bitch, I have not been formulating ideas, I offered to do this a week ago. I have been up to my eyeballs in real work besides I am conducting a 15 minute ice breaker I do not need to spend hours doing it, now fuck off and chill out.

I didn’t. I was polite.

Demon Emailer continues:

If your workload is such that you don’t think those timelines are workable, we have another couple of graduates who are interested in helping out

At this point I genuinely turned purple in the face at the audacity of the demon emailer. How dare you suggest that I am incapable of delivering a 15 minute session in a months time. No I do not need help, its FIFTEEN MINUTES of material. I could piss longer than that, this is not hard.

Anyway, after my hulk climbed back inside, and my face returned to its olivey colour, I decided to march up to the demon emailers office and ‘ave a word’

Demon emailer can’t be thinking they can get away with this for the rest of their time here!

Polite conversation was had. Through gritted teeth I hasen to add.

Its at this point that I am convinced I am working with a full on robot. I have never seen anyone fidget less in my life. The wind could have picked up and their hair wouldn’t have even budged plus their posture was waaay too straight to be normal.

We move on a couple of weeks.

Demon emailer decided that they wanted a rehersal of the event.

Much to irritation. Again, this is 15 minutes. Not hard.

Reluctantly I drag myself to this meeting.

Demon Emailer then says:

“Now then Sacha, let’s role play your piece shall we, lets practice all together (insert painfully perky smile) and then we can all make sure we are perfect. I have trained people across the world  and  run events for small groups to huge conferences, and I know that to look natural and unpracticed you need to practice practice practice”

#RAGE

Firstly, no I will not role play my section, I am not four, and we are not in drama class now love.

Secondly, your telling me your life story like I give a fuck.

Thirdly, you sat perfectly still for so long theres a fly nesting in your perfect hair (ok not true, but I wish it had been)

Fourthly, wipe that perky smile off your face before I do

Evidently I didn’t actually say any of these things, but I really wanted to.

*sigh*

I did refuse to participate though. I mean really, role playing my 15minute section. Delusional.