philosophizing

Sacha Found A New Muse

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This blog seems to have split itself into two, entirely by accident. The Sacha who is going through fertility issues, and the Sacha who started the blog to write because she so loves to write, but to blog her life – her journey to trying to be an author and her quest to find her dreams.

Well, having blogged a lot about the fertility issues, I thought I would take it back to the roots today.

For those who are interested in the fertility stuff, thanks to your kind advice, I have decided to go back to Denmark to try again. I should be going on Sunday, so I will keep you all up to date.

But today is all about muses.

With all the fertility stuff, my head became thick and groggy, and not only did my muse leave me, but so did every ounce of creativity and all my ideas.

Well, a friend came over a couple of days ago, lets call her EC and we were talking about books, when I happened to mention the novel I was trying to plan, and eventually write. EC was really enthusiastic and asked me all about it. But in asking me, she questioned me about the gaps and holes in my plan, where I had hit brick walls and failed to finish planning bits.

It was like someone had reignited the dying embers of s fire. I was beyond away, I was literally on fire.

I forgot that I think out loud. I am such an extrovert, that even my thinking is done on the outside! I think whilst I talk. Literally. Talking helps me to think through ideas.

So as she was asking me all these questions, I already had most of the answers in my head, because I knew the story and the characters, I just hadn’t pieced bits together, or hadn’t solidified the connections between characters.

EC fired question after question at me, and I pulled answer after answer out of what seemed to be thin air. But they all made sense and fitted. She is my muse!

She knew all the right questions to ask to get me to fill in my gaps, and with every answer she became more and more excited.

After the session which lasted well into the early hours of the morning, I spent the last few days mapping out and drawing up plans and sketches and doing lots and lots of work. EC then said if I wanted help she would come over and help me again. She just volunteered to do that.

I guess sometimes people surprise you in good ways, and not just bad ones. People who you don’t necessarily expect to want to help you. I mean, she is a dear friend of mine, she gave a reading at the wedding, was on my hen do and is genuinely one of my closest friends, but I guess I just never expected anyone to be that interested in my book. I think I had got to a place where I thought my story was rubbish and not worth pursuing. I hit a brick wall right before all the fertility stuff kicked off and my brain went into melt down. I lost all confidence in myself, let alone my abilities. But after her excitement and insistence on me finishing the story, and then volunteering to help again, I found a new confidence and drive to get the book back on track.

Well, this evening EC came back over, and we sat for 5 hours discussing the book. FIVE hours!!! she is not only a ridiculously good friend, but seriously how dedicated is that!? god damn love that girl! what a total legend. Then, she as she left she offered to come back again and help!! She thinks the story is that good!

The other thing which was nice, is that through the chats EC and I had, the wife also joined in. Which is lovely, because the wife isn’t much of a reader, and doesn’t necessarily find me harping on about my book all the time that interesting. So she doesn’t really offer to talk about it much which is a shame, because she is full of amazing ideas.

But anyway, after 5 hours of planning and discussion this evening, I am exhausted! I have some serious work to put into this book now, and all before EC comes over for another Q & A!!

What a confidence boost this last week has been, and what a truly brilliant friend I have.

EC, I love you to bits 🙂

The Old Boys Club of Women’s Intuition

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in·tu·i·tion

/ˌint(y)o͞oˈiSHən/

Noun
  1. The ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning.
  2. A thing that one knows or considers likely from instinctive feeling rather than conscious reasoning.

 

Women’s intuition is a really funny thing. It reminds me a little of an old boys club.

Most, but not all women have exceedingly good intuition. It’s a frighteningly powerful tool we use to seek out ‘wrongs’ or ‘no good’ but sometimes to seek out things we must do, or prevent.

Women generally like to over analyse everything, I am the ultimate example of an over analyser. It’s painfully annoying I hate myself for it, but I simply can’t help it.

I regularly sit around with my friends debating this ‘hunch’ I have, or a feeling I got when so and so looked at Billy bob in a strange way, and now I’m convinced that such and such is happening.

These discussions are highly secretive! If Billy Bob or whoever it was they were looking at were to interrupt or pass by, then hushed silences would fall over us, or indiscrete hand gestures would be thrown around the conversation bringing us to a rather undiplomatic silence.

The thing is our intuition tends to grow with our friends. One of my friends and I in particular, have a strange ability to throw a single look at each other, make one teeny facial expression and convey an entire conversation in an instant.

In fact I might only need to utter a single word or even half a syllable, and she will be nodding enthusiastically saying “mmm hmm, I thought so too”

Not that we would want to admit it, but we women are harbouring ourselves and our intuition in old boys clubs.

My point about this, is, we do strange things. We instinctively know when something’s wrong, when someone’s cheated on us or stabbed us in the back.

I pick up my phone a millisecond before it rings knowing its a particular friend.

And then…. Then there’s the really weird intuition, the intuition about our body’s….

If we pay just a tiny amount of attention to our body we can know all sorts of weird things.

Two months running I knew exactly when I was about to ovulate. So I got up and tested myself and got a positive result…

This month in particular was such a strong sensation that I sat bolt upright and just “knew” even though it wasn’t when I ought to have tested.

Women know things. We do. And we use them to do special, amazing and impossible things.

I think that I knew, I must of. My body must of told me to take that fertility test all those months ago. Something deep down an intuition, an inkling – that despite all the dismissals from the wife and doctors saying I was wasting my money- that I needed to take that test to prove I needed to do something now.

Why else would I of gone against professional advice?

The thing that I love about these boys clubs is that all the women around you coo and cluck in agreement affirming your suspicions because they too ‘had a feeling’ or simply understand because they’ve been there before.

We have an ability to know when you meet someone for the first time if they are a good egg or a bad egg.

I can reel off numerous examples of meeting someone – take another one of my friends, she had this new girlfriend that I took an instant disliking to for no apparent reason. I mean, I met the poor girl for a couple of hours, and immediately hated her. I couldn’t tell my friend why, either. I just didn’t like her.

Turns out the bitch was a psycho, and because I’m a good friend I didn’t say ‘I told you so’ !

In fact, my instinct is so acutely sensitive one of the wife’s best mates asked me to go to dinner with his new girlfriend to suss out whether or not she was worth hanging on for.

Turns out I didn’t like her either, and as it happened, she was a bad egg too.

Sometimes, we just know.

What I am hoping, is that I will know if I’m pregnant before I can test in two weeks… After the insemination yesterday two weeks of waiting is a seriously long time. It’s going to kill me. I’m impatient at the best of times but waiting two weeks for something this important is literally torture.

Maybe I’m over analysing because I’m desperate for a ‘sign’ but seriously…

We know shit right?? Sometimes you can know?!

God I hope so because otherwise it’s going to be a fucking long two weeks!!