Fertility

33 weeks – advice needed

Advice needed.

I had a funny turn this week – went all pale and sweaty and ghost like, and I nearly fainted. I got sent home from work and worked from home for two days.

I feel exhausted – like totally utterly and completely drained. I want to cry every morning trying to get out of bed and force myself to work. I sit at my desk and I can feel heavy weights dragging the bags under my eyes lower. I am exhausted to my bones, to my soul, my very core.

I really feel like the funny turn was probably exhaustion related. In fairness I have changed job, moved house – fully redecorated the entire house, started and completed a dissertation and a huge work submission all whilst being pregnant and the only time off ive had is 5 days (2 of which were a weekend) when I was ill. So I haven’t really had any time off so I am not surprised I am unwell.

But heres the thing, I have 4 full weeks left at work and I have to go in for one day for a big work conference a week later – that’s compulsory. But I feel like my body is giving up.

I could leave work a week earlier…. I could. I am due to leave at about 37.5 weeks but I could leave around 36 if I shifted a weeks leave from the end of my maternity to this side. But the thought of doing that makes me feel like a failure, I feel like I would be failing the baby before he even got here, giving up a weeks worth of time with him, to rest. I cant seem to get my mind out of that mindset… it just seems wrong.

I don’t really know what to do.

I have a weeks leave to play with, I could work 4 day weeks for the next 4 weeks, or I could split the hours and work 2-2.5 hours less a day – but that feels like a waste – like I am not really getting anything from using a whole weeks leave. Or I could leave work in 3 weeks instead of 4… or I could just man up and leave when I planned too in 4 weeks time…

What should I do????

Antenatal reasons why I love my wife!

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We went to our first of two antenatal classes the other night, and boy did it start awkwardly!

We rocked up fashionably late – by total accident – we both despise being late, and the wife had been sent home from work as she was in excruciating pain from her bad back still from the car accident – Anyway – she slept most of the day away after swallowing a load of painkillers the doc had given her. After an epic three hour snooze and with barely 30 minutes to get to class I finally plucked up enough courage to wake her from what can only be described as some kind of zombie death sleep! I really didn’t think I would be able to wake her!

We rocked up – slightly late – with EVERYONE gawping at us, as we were CLEARLY the only gays in the village! and we awkwardly sat in the last two remaining seats, right in front of the strangest tutor I have ever witnessed.

This tutor – paler than a vampire, with an accent that was so confused she must have lived in every country in the world.

During the course she brandished an alarming wooden plank that depicted the dilation of the cervix which she then proceeded to push a babies head through the 10cm circle… to which all the women began to cringe slightly and I tried not to whimper and sob in utter despair!

I was a bit disappointed in the class to be honest – I only found out one new piece of information about some vitamin K that the doctors give babies straight after birth. The wife was like… “what do you expect your a geek….” she has a point!

Anyway – What this class taught me, is that I absolutely, love my wife, and wouldn’t be without her.

The tutor split the class into ‘girls’ and ‘boys’ – so my poor wife made the awkward journey over to sit in the ‘boys’ circle to discuss how they were going to support their wives.

WELL….. having been surrounded by women for so long – I had completely forgotten how utterly useless men can be.

Suggestions they came up with included – making sure you had the take out number because they deliver to the maternity unit – clearly thinking about their stomachs.

When I suggested that they should pack the hospital bag because they would be rooting around it as we were going to be in no state to look for shit one of the men turned round and said

“thats the womens job” – DICK HEAD.

This made me cross so I verbally dropped him on his arse and everyone giggled.

Anyway – this continued, and all the good suggestions that they had come up with I would look over to my wife and mouth “did you say that?” and she would give me that cute little smirk she does and nod….

Sigh, swoon, so proud. bloody love my wife!! ❤

 

32 weeks – Breech Baby Blues

I am finally posting on time – I am half way to getting a post right – alas theres no photo this time – I will do that later in the week!

I have been meaning to write this post for a week or so but I just haven’t had the time – despite meaning to rest – every day after work and all my weekends seem to be booked – I don’t know how that happened…. and I still have lots of friends who I haven’t booked in to see before the birth. :s

There are lots of different types of Breech babies  – and depending on what type of Breech yours is – depends on what the midwives and docs will do.

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I had my 31 week appointment and I don’t really know if I was surprised or not. But he is Breech – I was Breech until a couple of weeks before I was born and then I decided to casually turn my mother into a washing machine and flip head down ready and raring to go. So in some senses I kind of expected to be told that he was Breech – but I was also quite surprised because at the previous appointment – the midwife told me he was head down. I think she got it wrong because I haven’t felt him flip head up so I figure he was always head up and she was just wrong.

Now the thing that bothers me is that for me – I want as natural birth as possible – I have always said that from the start – I want a pool birth – I know ‘saying’ that is about as good as wishing upon a star once upon a time and all that bollocks – because once you go into labour anything – ANYTHING – can happen and you don’t know your own pain thresholds and stuff, but that is what I have been working towards – I took breathing classes and relaxation classes and all this kind of stuff in order to be able to work towards a natural birth… So.

31 week midwife appointment:

Midwife: “your babies Breech at the moment.”

Me: “ummm, ok – what does that mean for a natural birth?”

Midwife: “well, if he hasn’t flipped head down by your 36 week appointment, then we will send you for a scan at the hospital – that will tell us what sort of Breech he is. If his legs are down then you will have to have a C section, if his legs are up then you can attempt a natural birth but you won’t be allowed a pool birth I’m afraid. Also – when you have the scan in all likelihood – they will ask you to be admitted at some point after the scan and they will put you on a drip full of muscle relaxant and attempt to manipulate your stomach into pushing him head down.”

It was at this point I wanted to cry, I could feel my bottom lip quivering and tears burning the back of my eyes as I struggled to maintain some level of stiff British upper lip.

Me: “oh, ok, thank you.”

Midwife: “have you got any more questions?”

Me: ” no……(deep swallow) not at the minute….. well I guess  do you have any positions or exercises I can do to help?”

So – after intensive research I have been spending inordinate amounts of time upside down, and dancing about on the birth ball – swimming and underwater hand stands this weekend… :s… I shit you not! – watch the you tube videos!!

I had some sad news this week – my friends first IVF cycle failed, my heart really went out to her, I am gutted for her – I could feel the familiar burning pain that engulfs your whole being when a cycle fails. She doesn’t know I blog, but I am thinking of you all the same… I hope you have the strength to do another cycle. xx

How Big is your Bump?

How big is your bump?

31 weeks and 4 days.

Today I nearly lost my rag. So this I fear, will be a Rant of epic proportions.

I like to think that I am a women of patience, a women who rarely explodes and maintains a calm aurar. But after 31 and a half weeks of pregnancy I about lost the plot today. Biting my tongue is an understatement.

In this society we have an obsession with weight and beauty – shop stands are littered with magazines of size zero women, women who are ‘too curvy’ ‘not curvy enough’ ‘hips too wide, not wide enough’ ‘boobs too small, too big’ blah blah and everything in between. This is the pressure society puts on women who aren’t pregnant… Comments like this push teenagers to fast, binge and become anorexic or bulimic. The marketing and imagery pushed into mainstream media causes teenagers and young adults to have seriously damaged mindsets and views of their self image and body.

But when it comes to pregnancy, there seems to be this whole other level of opinion and views that general ‘people’ in society want to give and have over you.

‘People’ seem to think that its ok to pass open judgement and comments on your figure and size whilst your pregnant.

‘Oh your massive’

‘what do you mean you STILL have 8 weeks to go? Oh my god your going to be huge’

‘oh your tiny’

‘what a neat little bump you have’

‘god your going to have an enormous baby aren’t you’

After 31 weeks of this bullshit, I am really genuinely sick and fucking tired of people making comments about my size. What the fuck makes people think they have the right to pass such openly RUDE judgement on my size and shape. Why is it ok for them to tell me I’m ‘huge’ or ‘tiny’ or anything in between JUST because I’m pregnant. You wouldn’t turn around to a young women and tell her she was massive or tiny, or anything – you don’t say it, so seriously now what is it about being pregnant that makes people think they have the right to say whatever the fuck comes into their head?

The detrimental effect it is having on my mindset is horrendous – I had a poor self image before I was pregnant and was most concerned about how I was going to look and the awful stretch marks that would appear and whether or not I would feel fat and could I get rid of the weight after and blah blah blah. But I get a daily onslaught of judgements and comments from the general public or people in lifts in corridors and it is exhausting. I am tired of having to listen to what other people think about my size and weight and shape. I am struggling to maintain my sanity and sane perspective on the fact that I AM pregnant, which means I will have a bump and a few stretch marks and it will take time to lose the weight but lots of other women do it, so I can too, but I cannot place ‘societies’ expectations on myself – I will lose the weight as and when I lose it, and its fine, its ok.

I know that every women who has ever been pregnant will have experienced this – so I am wondering what witty quips you all came up with to counter those rude and ignorant arseholes out there….??

30 weeks

I cannot believe I have hit 30 weeks. I really do not know where the last 30 weeks have gone… Life seems to be dissolving in front of my eyes – through a haze of winter colds needing excess sleep and having a ridiculous social life; it appears I haven’t done a pregnancy blog in three weeks – ummm…. Three weeks feels like two minutes ago!

So the big THREE ZERO….

I remember thinking when I was about 6 weeks preggo that 30 weeks would be massive- I couldn’t really imagine ever getting to 30 weeks, it was too ‘serious’ an amount of weeks pregnant for me to ever picture

– it’s like the last stretch – the no going back – the “you should really pack your hospital bag – this shits going down soon-” type serious!!

But strangely here I am…. I am honestly a bit shell shocked that it happened so quickly. I still feel far too in denial to be this pregnant!!

I half heatedly tried to pack a hospital bag and have been watching ‘midwives and one born every minute’ again to try and get realistic about how gross/painful child birth is going to be!!

I have never appreciated childbirth – I am not one of those women who watches and cries when a baby is born – I squeeze my legs shut and try not to vomit!!

I sort of ended up doing a full circle – I watched so many episode that I almost cried at one and then after a few more episodes decided it really was gross and started wondering if I would throw up at the sight of my own afterbirth. I mean really – I faint every time I give blood – not because it hurts or I’m squeamish but because the tube that collects your warm blood rests on my arm and I can feel the warm liquid ooze out…. Ugh.

Honestly why are placentas so vile??? They look horrendous and WHY are they soooo massive?? I seriously hope I don’t see mine or I’m Guna blow!!

I guess having hit 30 weeks I am trying to be a bit more realistic – I booked antenatal classes which start early oct I’ve booked a breast feeding class and as I say started to pack a bag.

The exhaustion is hitting home big time…. I seem to walk around in one state of zombie or another. I’m guessing that won’t disappear for some time either!

Anyway I’m in the dentist -toothache again!!

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One word #2

One word today was ‘Prisoner’

Had the usual 60 seconds to write something:

He knew i’d caught him.

I could see the fear washing over his eyes. Redemption was mine and I was going to make him pay for everything he had done to my family. As I cornered him, and roped his hands behind his back he began to shake with fear, but I ignore him and dragged him towards the exit.

 

Think the exhaustion is catching up on me… I have had to take Friday and Monday off work so I am looking forward to the end of the week! Hopefully I will be able to update you all properly.

 

Baby rooms

So we painted the babies room a cafe latte type colour – pretty neutral – but you can’t really tell from the photos, ive tried to add a photo of the colour from a website….and we added the vinyl tree and a billion teal leaves this evening…. Just family photos to go! I think the words are just lovely 🙂

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24 weeks – the big 6 months

Guna be totally rubbish this week – next week and probably the week after. I currently have 10 days and 9000 words left to write of my dissertation. I can barely think straight let alone blog – so just a belly update this week folks…

These shots were taken first thing this morning so actually bang on date this time!!! haha.

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23 Weeks – Week of the Kicks, and Nests.

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The Photos are a few days late in fairness, 23 + 3… but at least I took them this week! The double photo, has a comparison – week 22 vs. today 23+3.

I have to say I am gobsmacked at the difference. A lot of people have been saying that the didn’t think I had grown, and I was pretty sure I wasn’t growing all that much either. BUT apparently that isn’t the case! I am STILL growing!! and fast too! when I look in the mirror though I don’t seem to be any bigger and no one else thinks I am either – in fact the wife thought I had lost weight over the last week!!

Might be because I have been eating and craving fruit like its going out of fashion – I am glad because I would rather crave fruit than chocolate – although that said I did eat a box of chocolates over the last couple of days – ooops!!

So – this week…. It’s official… theres a weird alien inside me…. and you can feel it from the outside!! The sensations changed again when he moves, and it always takes me a couple days to realise that it’s him kicking and thats what the sensation is! So anyways I decided to shove the wife’s hand on my belly, as she has been getting upset she couldn’t feel anything as I have been feeling him move for weeks, well anyways – these kicks were very different and it was bizarre to be able to feel it on the inside and outside simultaneously. It was like some kind of… well I don’t even know how to explain it – a bit like a heart beat, or something huge literally knee-ing our hands!! and to me now, it feels like someone is having a proper rummage around my insides!

The other update – ‘Nesting’ ohh boy – I seem to have these ridiculous urges to clear out X or Y, and sort out Z. So much so, I forced my wife to help me finish unpacking the ENTIRE house!! box after box after box!! Clean down the furniture in the babies room, and unfortunately help me vacate my studio. I had to take the decision to get rid of it, because my wages will be cut so significantly that I wont be able to afford to keep it whilst I am on Maternity Leave… but thats another story I will tell you about another day.