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What is it that makes us creative? I mean other than the obvious grey matter, neurological synapse firing and conscious and subconscious minds? (more…)
Fail
I’ve Lost My Mojo Baby, Yeaaah
I really hate January 1st. It’s the ultimate come down. You partied hard the night before, fuelled by booze, contagious enthusiasm and ever more ridiculous resolution promises. The night seemed alive, 2015 was going to be THE year. It’s your year, your time and your chance.
What a load of shit.
Woke up this morning, feeling more bloated and fatter than ever, with a raging hangover and more resolution promises I will break before the end of month. Stepped on the scales, didn’t I?
WHY, did I do that?
Now ELEVEN pounds heavier than I was in August.
Fuck January. Fuck my life.
January 1st – berroca in the morning 11am hangover starting to disappear, better make an effort – healthy yogurt and bagel for breakfast. By 1:45pm I’d eaten chocolate, hated myself for eating it so ate more to console myself.
F***ing January. I’ll start tomorrow!
Looked at the insanity DVD pile with enough hatred to send me straight back to the chocolate drawer for another round of “stuff my face and hate myself some more” I’ll start insanity tomorrow.
Looked at my beautiful treasured Mac laptop lain unused for the entire Christmas break. Not a word written, not a thought for my assignment nor my much in need of an edit WIP. Looked at it, hated on it. Then hated on myself for slacking. I’ll start tomorrow.
Looked at the calendar, only 3 more days off till I go back to work. And the awful realisation I’ve wasted my entire precious Christmas holiday doing sweet fuck all. Something I can’t abide – waste. Spent most of the first week off being ill with a stupid cold I couldn’t rid myself of for a month. Happy to say the last two days have seen it finally bite the dust. But still. I hated on myself some more for behaving like the thing I hate – a waster – sleep is for the weak!
So where did it go? When did I lose my mojo? It’s been gone at least a month. I have no motivation AT ALL. Not to exercise and lose the weight I need to, and not to pick up my technological pen and write.
How do you get motivated when you and your mojo are lost?
Maybe you should tell me tomorrow?!
Baby Beat
So…
I had my 16 week midwife appointment last week. It was wicked, I got to hear the heartbeat – and in fact I recorded it on my phone, and I am hoping that this works:
http://chirb.it/tA8z28Hopefully that is an audio player that will play the heart beat! If so – enjoy 🙂
The appointment went swimmingly – all apart from the horrendous fact that – my midwife’s HOT… like really hot! I am going to be so so embarrassed when she comes to check on us the day after the babies born and she has to show me the ins and outs of breast feeding! or worst… has to check I’m ‘healing’ I am going to die!! lol. It really is going to be one of those “awkward moments when…”
Of course the wife found this all hilarious -and is now going book leave just to come to the next appointment so she can judge my taste!! haha.
Projectile Sach
Morning sickness… That delightful reminder your carrying your child….
As you cling to what’s left of breakfast, lunch or dinner. You try desperately to console yourself knowing that “it’s a good sign” you try not to feel sorry for yourself or ask yourself why your doing it all! Because you know deep down it will all be worth it.
But today… Took morning sickness to some seriously ridiculous heights.
I like to think of the sickness as puke contractions… The familiar waves building stronger and stronger until your ready to heave ho out your last meal…
Well my puke contractions started towards the end of my last meeting at work. I could feel the sweat start to trickle down my back as I knew what was going to happen. I made a hasty retreat out of the meeting and threw my belongings into my bag running for the lift to the car park…
The lift… Or the torture ride…. Jumping and bouncing its way to the ground floor.
When I got to the door I ran to the car and ripped the door open crouching by it wretching for England. Nothing came up… So I tentatively got into the car and drive home.
About three quarters of the way home I felt the strongest wave of nausea I had had yet. I tried desperately to distract myself reeling off ridiculous word associations trying to think of anything other than puking whilst driving.
I skidded into the drive (ok not skidded, but pulled up fast) and left everything in the car running for my dear friend Mr. toilet.
I couldn’t get the key in the door properly, and the wretching began again, I ripped open the door as the key turned and dived head first into the toilet.
I have never experienced sickness like it. I genuinely thought I was going to suffocate. I threw up so many times in repetition I ran out of air and couldn’t breathe. Gasping for breath between hurls I gripped my temple as the pressure being forced through my head and eyes was unbearable. I really thought I might have burst something in my eye. But I couldn’t stop being sick I had absolutely no control over this violent projectile sickness.
Eventually I stopped throwing up, but I was clinging to the toilet seat shaking and gasping for air for a good few minutes. When I looked in the mirror I discovered that I had burst something but luckily not in my eye, but in my face. Lots and lots of tiny blood vessels burst and have me a nice puke rash all over my face!
So now, I am spotty, bloated, covered in a rash, sick and exhausted!
But it will be worth it… It will right?! ;p
I am “Sleeping Breasts Sacha”
Four Weeks & Six Days
I don’t sleep, not usually! but boy am I tired at the moment, seemingly all I can do is zombie my way through the days and sleep, sleep, sleep the rest of the time.
I mean I took a fricking nap today! whaat?!
Usually I get 6 maybe 7 hours sleep a night, max. Sleeping is for the dead, feels like a waste of life. So I try to sleep just enough to get by. But now, oh boy, I’m napping here, napping there, feeling exhausted basically always, I am guessing this will continue for the next 20 years?!
I feel like I am already changing my perspective on life, I am slightly concerned that I might be lonely because none, and I do mean none of my friends have kids, they are all a few years younger than me, and are showing no interest in anything other than getting shit faced at the weekend. I had a search for some pregnancy antenatal classes in the area and there are a few, so I guess when I hit the second or third trimester I will try and go to some of them to meet expectant mums.
The other couple of symptoms are a little cramping like a period, but it’s fairly mild so I am guessing its just uterus growth, but by far the worst symptom I have at the moment is my breasts!!… apart from the forgetfulness so if I have already blogged about this then forgive me!
My boobs are so big and so swollen, I have already had to go bra shopping!!
I have turned into one giant sleeping boob!!
speaking of which… is it nap time??
zzzz ZZZzzZzzZZZZzZzzZZ
Doctors, Hormones, and Crazy Pregnant Lesbians!
Three weeks pregnant…
well thats what I thought… and so did the doctor… until I realised the EPIC fail I had made.
I am not sure whether it’s the hormones, or the ridiculous fatigue I seem to be experiencing, or a mixture of the two, but I have gone slight coo coo!!
Today I managed to leave the hand brake off my car, fail to lock my car door at another point, and then indicate to go left when I was going right. All this in amongst, putting food in the cupboards that’s meant to live in the fridge and other silly things!
But the biggest most epic fail I made was with my dates! I’m a fucking lesbian, how did I mess that one up! it’s not like I had a boat load of sperm on various days to get it wrong!
I have been using a period tracking app for years. How I have managed to read the dates wrong this week I really don’t know.
Below is the picture of my app. The tiny pink numbers tell you the day of your period. So on the 1st of March I was on day three. In my exhausted state, I saw a big fat number ONE, and decided that must mean day 1 of my period, and obviously it was the 3rd of March! What an idiot!! I mean seriously. What was I thinking. I have been puzzling over the dates, for three days! trying to work out why I wasn’t at four weeks, because your meant to be 4 weeks on the day you miss your period! What a total plonker.
So in fact I am 4 weeks and 2 days pregnant!! Apparently, the below is what my baby looks like at the moment. Still mostly a mass of cells, but exciting none the less.
The other great news is that the doctors are keeping us on the waiting list for IVF until I hit 12 weeks. This has taken so much pressure off us, and I am so so relieved. So all in all, a pretty bloody good day!
Which brings me on to my next point…
These hormones. I really thought it would take me some weeks before I felt anything.. Oh no.
My boobs have grown so much in the last week I have already had to buy a new bra. But most bizarre of all is all the happiness! I am not complaining here, it’s just taking some getting used to.
If I am honest, I was pretty terrified of being pregnant, it bothered me a lot. The thought of something growing inside me.
Today I found myself saying
I LOVE BEING PREGNANT
what?? Sacha doesn’t say shit like that! It’s like I’ve turned into this really maternal, mother person…
When did that happen?
I coo at babies, and bounce around the office corridors smiling.
What happened to the Angry Lesbian with a soapbox….????
Where has dark and twisty Sacha gone?
hehehe
clearly….
The last thing I will update you on I received a letter today. From the consultant, who is treating me on the NHS. I tell you what if I wasn’t pregnant it would have sent me spiralling into a really bad low. It was SO negative.
In fact, so negative it made me laugh.
I quote:
“It would seem that we cannot entirely write off this lady’s chance of conception.”
NOT ENTIRELY? that made me chuckle. ‘ye of little faith’ apparently my ovaries ROCK!!
The consultant finished off by saying:
” The ultimate test of what the significance of these results will be is how she responds when stimulated but as my best guess is that she will be able to get a reasonable number of eggs.”
Reasonable? no need to be so pessimistic, Mr. consultant, my ovaries have done the job for you! Much to everyones surprise!!
I am not sure the sentence is grammatically correct…!!
Anyway.
Happy Days.
Fuckin’ Monday Strikes Again.
I am a strong believer in putting good karma and energy out there. So I am considering trying to change my severe hatred of Monday and put out some Monday love.
However, today is not that day.
I REALLY fucking hate Monday, and it hates me.
Today is the first day of my new placement. I rotate ever 6 months for two years, and I am hoping that this will be my last rotation. But we shall see. Anyway. So as first days go it was relatively pain free, other than the fact I am a guinea pig for my line manager who has never line managed anyone, was possibly the most patronizing person I know and only gave me one project, which she claimed would take me 6 months, and I had to try not to laugh in her face, knowing my insatiable appetite for work, I could obliterate it in two. AND, I took that as a challenge to prove the point to her. ANYWAY.
I am hopeful that this placement will be much better, for a start the office isnt some holier than thou – took an oath of silence – type offices, people actually interacted.
Enough moaning, I am genuinely happier in this office, although this is only day 1 so… I ain’t counting any chickens just yet.
Today is the wife’s birthday.
I had this whole brilliant idea for a present and card, and had planned on doing it on Saturday because she was going out with her friends back home (home being where she grew up, as opposed to our current home)
ANYWAY, she was supposed to be going to her nans the following day, and wanted me to come with her. Her nan lives an hour further south than where she came from.
So dick head over here – me – opens my big mouth and asks her why she isn’t staying in reading for the night and driving straight on to her nans in the morning.
Well I thought I was being logical and rational. Which I was, but then I got caught up in the whole thing, and shes draggin me down to her mums because she wants me to go to her nans the following day.
So I am stuck in my mother in laws house (she wasn’t there btw) with no car, no nothing, no ability to go shopping for her. She says she doesn’t care, and would prefer me to go to her nans than get her anything, but it makes me feel like crap.
So when she wakes up this morning I have nothing to give her, squat. Not even a card, I feel like the worst wife ever.
So I leave home early to get her something before work (my first day in the new placement mind) and rush to work.
Go through the whole day no hitches, minus my minor irritations, and when do I ever get through a whole day without getting annoyed?!
Anyway, I leave early in the hope that I can get to the shops to buy a cake before she gets home…
Climb in the car, key – ignition – splutter splutter… DEATH. My car literally committed suicide on me.
Why? why is it always the day before I go to uni? I have a two and a half hour drive to uni tomorrow, and I am in real danger of not being able to get up there.
Why is it always fucking Mondays??
Sacha Black 