Teaching Your Parents About Bedtime – Lessons from a Terror Tot

This is not me!

I’ve commandeered Mummy Black’s laptop, she would be pissed if she knew. But she doesn’t so it’s ok. Unless you tell her, in which case I’ll cry and then pee poo on you…the runny kind.

See, parents think they know everything. They don’t. Not really. Cause I know everything. I know every trick under the sun to rile mummy and mama up until a force 100 hurricane blows through the whole house.

Bedtime.

Yep. Bedtime is the secret.

I have discovered that the insurmountable cot mountain, is in fact, NOT insurmountable at all. The total opposite, as it turns out.

It’s a doddle to climb out of. All one has to do is hook a foot, lean a belly and flip flop, mums your mama, I’m on the floor.

If it weren’t for the crafty thud I’d be home free and playing cars. Nonetheless, toddlers of the bloggisphere, here are my top 15 tips for bedtime.

1. Climb out of the cot at intermittent times. This ensures mummy has gone downstairs for the 28th time.
2. Listen carefully for mummies bottom touching the sofa. It’s essential for the timing to be right. As soon as she sits on the sofa (downstairs), climb out of bed. Again. Loudly.
3. Watch what your mum says. They only give two warnings. Then you get the silent treatment, at which point, go all guns blazing on the giggling. Silent treatment = a game.
4. Throw toys. LOTS of toys….at the walls. And maybe definitely at the window.
5. Empty all your clothes and scatter sporadically across the floor. Proceed to hide toys under the clothes so that mummy steps on things – warning – duck as this causes arms to fly.
6. Also listen to what she says – there are a lot of half words – I’m convinced they are naughty words – stock pile these for later combing and subsequent usage.
7. If your parents don’t drink much – make sure you pick a night to start cot climbing when they are out of comfort food.
8. Sing. Loudly. That annoying nursery rhyme works best.
9. The door is a musical instrument in the form of a bass drum. The neighbours especially like this one.
10. Jump up and down as hard as you can, I hear you can go through the roof. Duno what that means but it sounds cool.
11. Scream until you’re sick and then cry because you were sick. (note that second cry gets you hugged)
12. Repeat ‘Schtorreeey, schtory, storrrrrry’ 89 times.
13. Run in circles
14. Whimper
15. Whine in your best parent guilt tripping voice. Trust me, you can break them.

Warning – definitely try these at home. 

---

If you liked this post, why not follow my mum so you never miss a thing? Click here.