I never do this. I never post about my family, unless it’s in some self deprecating, ‘my wife thinks I’m ridiculous because’ kind of way. But today is Mothers Day and it’s my blog. So for once, I’m chucking routine, branding and all the other bollocks in the fuckit bucket and moving on.
I have a
terror tot…I mean two year old.
And I thought it would be a good idea to indulge
his my inherited sweet tooth by conducting some well time child labour mother-son bonding in the kitchen.
Now, I’m not an experienced mother, however, I do have two years under my belt so it wasn’t like I’d been smoking crack, I knew this would result in….
disaster, chaos, utter destruction of the kitchen.
But I sucked it up, took a deep breath and
chained myself to the oven so the terror tot could let the terror tot open the dusty baking cupboard.
Well…. you can see what happened in the photo.
Now there are lots of ‘lessons’ I could share here, but all of them would be a load of shite because we all know kids are the
spawn of satan unpredictable.
Here are baby black’s top cupcake tips: (tips may or may not be from experience)
- Instead of putting the flour in the bowl (which is incorrect), the best way to make cakes is to cover the cupcake mould in flour.
- Then rub said flour over ones face, it’s an excellent wrinkle reducer and also helps with fishing bogies out ones nose.
- ALWAYS eat raw egg whilst mummies not looking. The rawer the better, including the shell – crispy, but tasty.
- Hands must go in the sugar jar, and then throw it everywhere (that’s important) it’s like a glittery sugar shower the kitchen
- Ensure you put all cutlery on the floor and then double dip in bowls
- Stand on the butter spoon with socks still on (socks on is essential)
- Rub egg on mummies chin especially if your mum hates egg
- Mix used cupcake moulds with clean ones so mummy doesn’t know which is which and has to wash all of them
- steal the vanilla essence and pour half a bottle into the cake mixture
- steal ‘just removed from the oven’ cupcake and run away. Fast.
- Smother extreme stain inducing icing dye over clothes, face, hands, and body. N.B this is especially good after a bath.
- Whine until mummy gives you a half finished (i.e. no icing on it) cake, and then cry because it doesn’t have icing on it.
- Smother cake EVERYWHERE. Including crevasses, cracks, rub deep into sofa, mash and sprinkle on carpets
- Stow random bits of cake for later consumption, top places include: cupboards, clothes drawers and toy boxes… oh, and mummies shoes, especially the expensive ones with weird spikes at the back.
- When mummy asks what colour cakes you want, say monster, and pick out blue and green like Sully and Mike from Monsters Inc
- Finally, when eating cake, use expressions such as “mmmmm mum mum makes good cake”
- Watch as all is forgiven