Depression. Muses. Life.

muse

I am feeling worse than ever. I saw the above picture today, and I just cried. For me it’s such an inspirational picture. It takes me back to when I was travelling. Reminds me of the breath taking Himalayan mountains I trekked through. The peace I found when I was there. I want nothing more right now than to run away and climb into a big dark hole, hiding away from the world forever.

I want to be that girl in the photo. I should be that girl in the photo. All I ever wanted to do was go to uni and go travelling. Bum around the world for a while, sucking life experiences in and just ‘being’. No responsibilities, no plans, no cares. Coming from someone so anal, and organised I surprised myself at how much I enjoyed travelling. But I really did find a kind of peace when I was away. A kind of silence. Like the silence late at night when it’s snowed or is snowing. When it’s 1am, and nothing moves not even the air… Travelling was my muse, it inspired me, it humbled me and it gave me peace.

I am a shell, a living breathing carcass right now.

The last year has crushed me.

I don’t think I even know who I am anymore.

The stress of my family during the wedding, the job that has sucked every ounce of individuality out of me and forced a monotonous drone of boring beige routine into my life, and worst into me…. but worst of all the fertility issue.

I have been in and out of depression enough over the last 18 months because of ‘life’ but right now… it truly has to be the worst place I have been in…

I just cant cope.

My senior manager told me the other day that he couldn’t believe how well I was coping. He said no one would notice that something so horrific was happening to me. He said that I was really strong, and he was very impressed with my resilience.

It’s a facade. I am a fake. A plastic temporary smile, that I wear for 8 hours a day that drains every last ounce of anything I have in me.

He shouldn’t be impressed. He might think I am still brilliant, I am coasting through the days just to keep myself going. I am on autopilot… again.

I just didn’t picture my life like this, when I think back, this picture, that girl… that’s who I was going to be. I think that’s why the photo has struck such a deep resonance with me.

I have started testing my ovulation again today… when I ovulate this week, we will be flying to Denmark to try insemination.

The wife is so positive that it scares me. I already feel like a failure, my body… my ovaries are inadequate and I don’t want to disappoint her if the insemination doesn’t work. It only has a 25% chance of working at the best of times, let alone with my problems. I am also worried because I have been trying to be really healthy, but I seem to have got a cold this week… that is not going to help me get pregnant… more worries.

Then the thought of actually getting pregnant is also terrifying. All the life changes, I am still trying to get my head around it all, giving up everything I thought I was going to have, that was who I was going to be in my 30’s… not in my mid twenties. The next 5 years were meant to be fun before we tried to have a family…. I just can’t get my head around it. I just can’t. Why hasn’t someone told me it’s all a big mistake yet? WHY?????

I just…

I am in a very dark, very strange, very lonely place right now. Words are failing me, I just can’t explain where my head is. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to see anyone, I don’t want to do anything. I can feel myself locking down, and shutting the world out and theres nothing I can do about it. I can’t muster enough ‘me’ to talk about how I feel. I don’t fucking know how I feel. That’s probably the problem. I don’t have words. The complexity of emotions I am feeling right now is indescribable.

I feel bad because I know I should be communicating, but I just don’t want to talk, about anything to anyone. I don’t want to have to justify myself, and I don’t want to explain my feelings. I just want to be quiet and for it all to go away. I want to wake up in the morning and be that girl in the photo…

But I won’t.

I am going to wake up… still be Sacha, still be depressed, still have a job I hate, and still have fertility issues.

9 comments

  1. I wish I knew what to say that would help, but I don’t. I’m more than willing to help anyway I can. Even if its just providing an email address for you to send a letter full of obscenities.

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  2. You know you could do the same thing to me, send me an email.. yell scream swear… in fact go somewhere this weekend.. go into the woods. with our without wife.. though I would suggest with wife.. and YELLLLLL.. SCREAM…. CURSE… it is NOT FAIR.. yell it.. cry.. hug.. and cry more.. until you have no voice to do it with.. will it make things better? nothing with change I can tell you that.. you will still be you.. you will still have the issues you have.. but it releases some of that pent up emotions. after there you just need to do what is going to be best for you and your wife.

    I can’t comment more because I don’t know the discussions you and your wife have about family and about how you are dealing with these things.. but I do know you need to be releasing these feelings.. you don’t need words to do that…

    much love to you and your wife..
    remember I am here..

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  3. Sacha it is ok what you are feeling…we all go through bad stuff…remember you are human and we are meant to embrace both the good and the bad…

    When I feel broken….I paint or write ( and clean sometimes) it just helps me…
    is good to release all that is inside

    does not matter how but it good to do something about it
    writing helps, I read somewhere that writing a letter can help
    to whom ever…a person, the situation or thing.

    also …It is ok that your partner is taking differently we all do…

    sometimes the things that are not planned are the best things in life….and maybe your life is not where you think it should be, but is even better…look at your life…you have travel, you had a beautiful wedding, you are in love (you know how hard that is to find true love)….and you are smart I know that…and talented…

    and yes you own money but who doesn’t…

    you have my email if you need anything just write to me…it does help….rant, scream, say it but do not let inside your body

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  4. Wow… if “words are failing” you, I’d sure like to see how you write when they serve you well. This was lovely… not your pain of course, but your open expression of it. I imagine there had to be some sense of release in writing this. All I could think as I read through this is that, Sacha, you are Love. There is nothing, nothing in the ‘outside’ world – not a wife, or a baby, or traveling, or ‘lost’ dreams – nothing that can ever, ever change how precious and innocent and lovely You are. The answer to the problem, as with all of us, is within you, not out somewhere or in some ‘thing’ in the world. Peace is what we seek in this crazy world, and we can spend a lifetime looking endlessly for it somewhere out in the world, but it’s not there, it’s within, and only within. Inside you, always, including now when you seem to see yourself in this space, there is a place of peace where you have a Comforter, a gentle and loving Inspiration, Who will gladly guide you through these challenges, and Who will tell you not just that “it’s a mistake”, but that it’s only a mistake… and that you are wholly innocent and wholly Loved, and there is nothing you can ever do wrong to change or hurt that, regardless of anything this world has ever taught or told you. Just be the Love that You are. 🙂

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    1. umm, *blush*. It is people like you – the strangers you meet for just a moment in your life, but who leave a lasting effect- that spur people like me on to write the novel they know they want to publish. Your comments have to be the single loveliest comments anyone has ever said about my writing. Thank you. And yes, writing certainly helps me. It definitely releases a lot of pent up energy and frustration.

      Your right about inner peace. But the himalayas when I travelled there, certainly helped me to find my inner peace. The freedom I felt of just ‘being’ especially in a place of such beauty. The vastness, and isolation of the mountains put a lot of things into perspective. It allowed me to realign my life, my inner self. It gave me head space and the ‘air’ my head needed in order to breathe again. I hope that one day I can travel again. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment on my blog.

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      1. You’re very welcome. 🙂 You sound like you’re feeling better too. And true, traveling can sure be a nice way to change the mind space. I imagine the Himalayas would be really great too. Emjoy every moment! 🙂

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