Grief vs. Hope – A Sacha of two halves.

Tears

I am trying, beyond trying to stay hopeful and positive. All the  books, journals, and articles, say that you need to stay positive. That in order to keep your body positive, and all the hormones in balance, you need to stay positive and hopeful and think of the good outcomes etc etc.

This is easier said than done, everyone suggests to do this, but never really explains how you turn off your incessant, ‘desperately seeking a solution’ brain. I am begging for some ideas, I understand that I need to do its, the logic makes sense, but I just can’t turn my brain off.

There are 7 stages of grief

1. Shock and Denial

2. Pain and Guilt

3. Anger and Bargaining

4.Depression, rejection, loneliness

5. The upward turn

6. Reconstruction and working through

7. Acceptance + Hope

Are grief and hope just two ends of a continuum? Two sides of the same coin?

Currently if I’m not feeling one I am feeling the other.

One minute, I am desperate with grief, sheer panic, an agony so deep inside I don’t know how I am going to pick myself up and dress myself let alone get to work.

The next minute I bounding around full of hope and promise. Certain I will fall pregnant on the first try.

It is exhausting.

Is it possible to feel all stages of grief at the same time? Or do we have to progress down through the seven stages?

I am definitely still in shock, I am struggling to accept that I don’t have many eggs, but more to the point that I will go through the menopause early.

I get slightly excited at the prospect of having a baby, I am still adjusting to the timescale, but I always wanted a family so I am trying to think of the positives and the fact that I am going to get what I want, even if a little early. But then my brain races off and tries to think about all the things I would need to buy and all the planning and moving house, and then I get real and think about how far off that is, the pain and treatments I will have to go through in order to get there, and then….

most horrible of all, the fact it might not even happen.

And thus I fall back into grief all over again.

I am convinced grief and hope are one and the same, part of each other.

I need to understand how to get rid of the grief and stick with the hope.

Today, after all the reading and learning about fertility, it was a little paragraph on wikipedia that made my day:

A 2008 study concluded that diminished reserve did not affect the quality of oocytes and any reduction in quality in diminished reserve women was age related.[6]One expert concluded: in young women with poor reserve when eggs are obtained they have near normal rates of implantation and pregnancy rates, but they are at high risk for IVF cancellation; if eggs are obtained, pregnancy rates are typically better than in older woman with normal reserve.

I guess I just have to take each day as it comes, and try to find a little hope in whatever I can.

5 comments

  1. Your doctor knowing about your DOR before going in for IVF should help with cancellations. My doctor originally wanted me to produce 12-20 follicles (before we knew about the DOR), but I only had 8 and he was pleased. If your doctor doesn’t know in advance, that could definitely cause a problem.
    Sometimes, when you start meds like the ones for IUI and IVF, it’s hard to gauge the dosage and you may not produce enough on your first try. This happened to a friend of mine in December. They are starting meds again this month at a higher dose and she should produce enough. So even if you don’t produce enough the first time, that doesn’t mean you won’t produce enough the next time. Medicine dosage is really hard to figure out going in blind. I had four IUI tries in 2011, and the first was canceled because of dosage issues. So don’t get discouraged if your first cycle is canceled for not having enough follicles. Of course, it could be perfect the first time, but I’m a realist and I don’t want you to get scared if they do end up canceling the first round. You want them to be comfortable enough with the number, because they want the highest chance of success!
    Make sure you are comfortable with your doctor and his decisions because this is an emotional process and you want to trust the person making the decisions!

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    1. Wow, thank you for all the information, I chased up the doc today so I am hoping I will have a date for an appointment within a week and hopefully the appointment will be soon or ill keep ringing until I get an earlier cancellation!!

      I am trying to stay hopeful as I do have a lot of good factors on my side, I am going to read your blog start to finish! I saw the epic pile of drugs you had to take :O

      By the way… Congratulations!! 🙂

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      1. Thank you! And yes, the pile of drugs was quite massive. And they make you as crazy as you might think. 😉 haha Tell you wife she’s got some very interesting times ahead of her!

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  2. Hello my friend, I have caught up on all your posts since I have been gone. First let me say I am so sorry to hear about the results of the tests. Second, I have to agree with evelynrose. I have seen it happen with women before. I wish I could offer some words of wisdom in this situation, but I was really really lucky when I wanted a baby, it took the first time. Angel got pregnant even after they told her she would NEVER be able to have a baby. You never can tell anymore with science. So, try to keep positive. I know it is easy for me to say, but I hope you can. Also thank you for the award. I will get to those questions as soon as I can, I just wrote a huge post and now my eyes are burning. I think I will email you later though, so be on the look out for that. There are just some things to say that I would rather not say on a public blog LOL… sending you hugs and positive energy.

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    1. I don’t know what’s going on but it wouldn’t let me comment on the worlds longest blog!! So glad to have you back. Congrats to you and angel on the house 🙂 so exciting and as for all the niggles better you get them out now 🙂

      Thanks yeh bit of a shitty position to be in especially finding out New Year’s Day but, hopefully it will be a positive outcome in the end. Thank you for the positive energy I need it…

      Like

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