Month: January 2013

F is for…

frustration

I am stewing in a pot of frustration and ‘feeling sorry for myself’.

I am frustrated with the wait. NHS appointment isn’t until the 26th Feb, when we find out if we are eligible for funding, but I am pretty sure we won’t be.

I ovulate before then… so I would lose another chance to get pregnant by waiting for the appointment. But  if we go and I am pregnant then i will get spat out the system and not get the funding anyway. What happens if i miscarry or something awful?

So I have to decide do I take the risk and go to Denmark or do I wait and then be pissed off if the NHS wont treat me?

If I go to Denmark then its going to cost. Like 600 quid cost.

I am already in debt cause of the wedding, which I am trying to pay back but it just seems to keep piling on. Plus we will have to move at some point, as we live in a 1 bed, and we cant do that with a baby. (I know theres plenty of time to move, i’m just saying I need to factor it in.)

Moving requires a 1500 quid deposit.

Plus, my car broke last night. Fuel pump. That’s another 250-300 I don’t have that I need to shell out for.

I honestly don’t know why I am being dealt so much shit. This has to be the single worst start to a year I have ever had.

I’ve put weight on ( I know that’s my fault – but seems to be a vicious cycle at the moment)

and, I am falling behind on my studies, because I am constantly trying to fire fight.

I really need to be given a break.

I can feel the weight of everything pushing me down… somewhere dark. My head is falling back into it’s safetynet of depression.

I feel like a failure.

Yet another uneducated homophobe

If you have ever needed motivation to become an LGBT activist, this video right here is it…

I have posted this on QueerLandia, and I try to post different things on the two blogs, BUT I am so enraged by this total fucking idiot that I had to post it on my blog as well… besides I can swear on here!

Should same sex marriage be taught in schools? Was a question asked on one of the biggest day time TV shows a few days ago.

I have to say it has been a while since I witnessed such atrocious, narrow minded, uneducated drivel on my TV. There are no words strong enough to describe how abhorrent I find this video, I am beyond disgusted and it makes my inside boil.

He freely states that being homosexual is unnatural, and that you ‘shouldn’t be proud’ to be gay.

Not only that, but that parents should ‘correct’ their children when they come to them and tell them that they think they are gay. In so many words states that parents should suppress their children’s gay tendencies. Not only that but apparently being gay occurs because of a mistake or problem in our childhood development.

I hurled some expletives at youtube at this point. Feel free to join me…

Furthermore, he refers to ‘gay lifestyle and practices’ although, he never actually clarifies what these so called ‘practices’ are.

He so much as says that children are unsafe in homosexual families, and that statistics prove it…

I would love to know what statistics he is referring to because I have read studies that say precisely the opposite…

Such as this study, or this study… If he wants to go ten rounds on ‘statistics’ and the evidence, how about show me some hardline positivist research packed full of statistics. I bet he has none, IN FACT I bet he doesn’t even know what positivist means.

These fucking uneducated narrow minded bigots preaching about made up statistics. SHOW ME THE EVIDENCE, because I have read studies like the ones I just posted above that say the total opposite. I hate that we even need scientific studies ‘proving’ that gay and lesbian families produce well rounded kids. In fact I find it positively insulting that we need studies.

Please tell me I am not the only one furious over this…???

Steampunk Sacha

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My BFF is a DJ and as a result I often go on nights out with her when she DJ’s New Year’s Eve being one of them.

I meant to post this days a go, but with the whole fertility issue I forgot.

For New Year’s Eve I went to a masquerade ball. I have an odd interest in all things steampunk, so I decided to make a mask in the theme of steampunk.

What do you think?

Anger

Today I am just fucking angry. I can’t help it.

I am angry with everything, at everything, about everything and with everyone.

I don’t want to be consoled I feel like enough of a leper as it is without everyone trying to tread on eggs shells around me and tell me how well I’m doing. Fuck off.

I’m not in control, I am not ok, and I don’t wana hear that I’m “doing so well- your coping brilliantly”

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

The only reason everyone else thinks I’m coping is because I don’t do emotion in front of people. I only discuss fact and the action plan we are taking. What else is there? (Don’t answer that)

And then when I am on my own, I let silent tears fall down my cheeks.

All day everyday I am thinking about my eggs and IVF. I am losing the plot on the inside and a stone cold monster on the outside.

Whatever you think. I am not coping. Not one bit. Nothing about this is fucking ok.

This isn’t fair. And it’s taking too long.

I am angry at the world today.

:*(

Grief vs. Hope – A Sacha of two halves.

Tears

I am trying, beyond trying to stay hopeful and positive. All the  books, journals, and articles, say that you need to stay positive. That in order to keep your body positive, and all the hormones in balance, you need to stay positive and hopeful and think of the good outcomes etc etc.

This is easier said than done, everyone suggests to do this, but never really explains how you turn off your incessant, ‘desperately seeking a solution’ brain. I am begging for some ideas, I understand that I need to do its, the logic makes sense, but I just can’t turn my brain off.

There are 7 stages of grief

1. Shock and Denial

2. Pain and Guilt

3. Anger and Bargaining

4.Depression, rejection, loneliness

5. The upward turn

6. Reconstruction and working through

7. Acceptance + Hope

Are grief and hope just two ends of a continuum? Two sides of the same coin?

Currently if I’m not feeling one I am feeling the other.

One minute, I am desperate with grief, sheer panic, an agony so deep inside I don’t know how I am going to pick myself up and dress myself let alone get to work.

The next minute I bounding around full of hope and promise. Certain I will fall pregnant on the first try.

It is exhausting.

Is it possible to feel all stages of grief at the same time? Or do we have to progress down through the seven stages?

I am definitely still in shock, I am struggling to accept that I don’t have many eggs, but more to the point that I will go through the menopause early.

I get slightly excited at the prospect of having a baby, I am still adjusting to the timescale, but I always wanted a family so I am trying to think of the positives and the fact that I am going to get what I want, even if a little early. But then my brain races off and tries to think about all the things I would need to buy and all the planning and moving house, and then I get real and think about how far off that is, the pain and treatments I will have to go through in order to get there, and then….

most horrible of all, the fact it might not even happen.

And thus I fall back into grief all over again.

I am convinced grief and hope are one and the same, part of each other.

I need to understand how to get rid of the grief and stick with the hope.

Today, after all the reading and learning about fertility, it was a little paragraph on wikipedia that made my day:

A 2008 study concluded that diminished reserve did not affect the quality of oocytes and any reduction in quality in diminished reserve women was age related.[6]One expert concluded: in young women with poor reserve when eggs are obtained they have near normal rates of implantation and pregnancy rates, but they are at high risk for IVF cancellation; if eggs are obtained, pregnancy rates are typically better than in older woman with normal reserve.

I guess I just have to take each day as it comes, and try to find a little hope in whatever I can.

Macro Sach

Recently found a little attachment lens for my iPhone. It was only £20 bit of an extravagance but I had demolished a disposable camera and was using one of the lenses and holding it in front of the camera in order to take macro shots so I decided to buy it.

It takes macro (close up) and semi fish eye (wide angle) photos.

All photos have been taken on my iPhone 5, some of them have been edited on Instagram but all on the iPhone. I’m kind of impressed for a £20 lens from a clothing store!!

Here are some of my shots…

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