Lesbians in the Wilderness…

Camping as a kid was fun right?? Because I am struggling to remember what it was that I enjoyed so much!

As a mid twenty…cough… headed for thirty.. cough something women, I am SLOWLY coming to face facts… I am getting old…er! I am sure theres some phrase people always say to you “your only as old as you feel.” I think it’s one of those phrases that’s meant to make you feel better.

Problem is, I can only remember old people saying it to me.

As soon as camping was suggested I had my eyebrow raised in trepidation!

I mean, this IS the UK we are talking about, I’m no meteorologist… but seriously think of the rain!

Obviously life got in the way, and the morning we needed to leave we had done zero packing… not a stitch, not a pair of socks, a pair of undies, Nothing. Nor had I got in the loft to get the tent out.

It didn’t start well!

Our loft has no stairs to get into it, so currently we have to perform some impressive acrobatics climbing up, and off of the wall, in order to haul ourselves into the loft, scratching and scraping myself along the way.

Panting, sweating, exhausted, battered and bruised already, I then managed to basically knock myself out, with the standard head crack on one of the loft beams.

Swearing profusely my mood instantly dropped another notch.

To add to the mix I managed to miss breakfast. I am not a morning person, which makes breakfast pretty important.

After several ridiculously girly screams at some 100 year old cobwebs; I was stuck making jerky movements every time I tried to open a box in fear of some tarantula….

(Please note that the UK doesn’t actually have indigenous tarantulas- however some of them garden spiders are big enough to qualify…in my opinion!)

…might crawl out of one of the many boxes in the loft.

Eventually I found the appropriate equipment. Obviously essential items, such as a camping stove were missing and we still had no camping food.

SO before we could leave we still needed to go out shopping. This was all a rather quiet affair, except for buying the first camping stove we could (discounted by 20%) thinking we had a good deal and then finding it cheaper in the next shop.

Obviously everything cost an actual arm and a leg too.

After buying and spending enough to buy a small flat we eventually set off.

Now despite having a satnav on my phone which has so far not failed me, we still managed to go the wrong way. I have never denied my spatial inabilities, however my girlfriend prides herself on always knowing exactly where she is and being able to find her way home. She basically has an internal satnav. Makes me sick!

Eventually we find the place and our friends. We went with a big group of friends so you can imagine the scene…

Cold, middle of a field in some undisclosed location in the UK, kids running around high on sugar (you forget when your a childless adult that children not only exist but are in all the places that you think of to go too that are fun. Not only that, but kids can smell the irritation a mile off… they could literally be on the other side of the field playing quietly… you rock up and BOOM, the little shits are actively seeking to ruin your camping trip by doing all things childlike right next to your tent.

One such incident, involved a group of kids playing ‘tag’ and using one of our cars as one of their bases and repeatedly slamming into the side of the car.

#rage built inside me

Anyway back to the scene several lesbian couples attempting to put up tents. Some do this better than others is a polite way of describing the carnage that unfolded!

I am pleased to inform you ours went up swiftly with no bickering… mostly because we had done it before!

Some time later the tents were up, dinner was cooked, several beers had been drunk, and the evening rolled by nicely.

Apart from the cold and the children obviously. Oh and my back started to seize up, thats the old age kicking in…

The evening drew to its natural end and off we all trotted to sleep. The the kind neighbours chose this point in time, the very moment my head hit the pillow to give their kids quad bikes to charge around the camp (mostly around our tent) with.

To make me just that little bit happier, they promptly whacked up their car sound system to give their kids manic quad biking a musical narration. Its was passed 11pm don’t you know, your not supposed to play loud music after 11. Does that make me sound old?

Eventually the music and quad biking stopped. At which point the heavens opened and poured all over our little campsite.

The thunder came next.

I managed some brief cat naps between the cracks of thunder. However once the rain started to drip through the roof of the tent it was pretty much down hill from there.

When I couldn’t take it any longer and needed to visit the ladies room at some disgusting hour of the morning. I awoke to find my suitcase (which was inside the inner tent (the bit we sleep in, and therefore should be dry) piss wet through. Alongside the suitcase being wet, it contained all my once dry clothes.

I opened the tent door to discover what could only be navigable by Noah’s Ark itself; A huge puddle in which floated my very expensive Ugg boots that your not supposed to get wet, all our food, camping equipment, chairs the lot.

Here endith the camping trip.

Shaking the GF awake, I discovered that everything on her side, including all her clothes was bone dry… (insert unimpressed faced)

Now we are home, with wet everything, including a tent that now needs drying out, and several bits of camping equipment which no doubt I will have to attempt to get in the loft that beats you up as you climb into it!

Thank god it’s a bank holiday tomorrow!


  1. Sounds like you had an awful time, but made for an amazing read. I was laughing the whole way through it. I bet you are not about to go on another camping adventure any time soon. 😛


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